Monday, June 11, 2012


I’ve been trying to write an installment to my blog for a while.  But I keep ending up with yet another blank page before me.  It’s odd, because A LOT has happened in my life recently, and yet I can’t seem to write any of it down.  My instincts are, as usual to wax philosophical about romance and love, but when I begin to give in to those urges this installment seems to want to turn to wax pedantic  …and then wax profane.  : /

Then I hit the backspace, and stare once more at the blank page.

So, let’s skip all that and just focus on some of the "positive," shall we?  Maybe we’ll circle back around to the relationship bits someday, and how I’m still in love with someone from my distant past who, honestly doesn’t even exist anymore.  A short summary would be my new and difficult resolution to look forward to romance, (not backwards.)  But for now, I just can’t handle putting pronouns and adjectives much further than that to what it is I want to express.    And I am determined to move on.  …always moving on.  Right.  Let’s, shall we?


Or three.  It’s kinda funny, but, I was REALLY looking forward to May.  I was getting all geared up for it thinking, THIS TIME I’m going to be ready!  THIS TIME I’ll embrace the good things and not worry about the world crashing around my ears.  …And then, nothing.  I got to May, and my new place, and nothing really changed.  And we’ll get to the other bits in the next section, but here we’re talking about work.

So, forgive me for saying so but, I don’t WANT to go back to work.  I mean, I’m not lazy.  I’m not.  I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty.  But doing the heavy-lifting awful-hours type of jobs I’ve always had?  Give me a break.  You wouldn’t want to go back either.  I’ve done these jobs my whole life thus far, and put plain and simple… They wear me out.  Body and soul.  Especially soul.  If I had to describe how I feel about some of the things I’ve had to do day in and day out in the past, it honestly wouldn’t be that far of a stretch to say: it’s like being forced to club puppies to death eight hours a day—just a little more of me died inside with each swing of the… clock's pendulum.  A gory analogy, I know, but effective.

So, when I started applying around town I couldn’t bring myself to feel much enthusiasm for ANY of it.  And most places I was applying weren’t hiring currently, but promised to “keep me on file.”  Yeah.  Remind me to hold my breath.  But I did have one resource I’ve never had before.  The university’s job placement website for alumni and students.  And once I figured out how to use the damn thing…  I got call after call.  THREE of which looked extremely promising and THREE of which I was excited for.

The First Job: was an assistant to a professor.  I thought originally that the job was doing not much more than data entry and making rubrics.  No big deal right?  And not something I was leaping for joy over, but excited in a different way, yes.  I mean…  How good will it look on future applications, especially within the school system, if I can land this?  So I kept fingers crossed, and after some communication was assigned a time for an interview.  And at said interview I was told that she had scheduled three other interviews that day and saved me last for a reason.  “On paper,” she said, “you’re exactly what I’m looking for.”  She said she could see my talent for writing, even in the short emails we sent to each other, and THAT’S what she needs.  I was scratching my head.  Again, I thought this was a data entry position.

It turns out that the professor is writing a book.  A series of health related plays/skits for youngsters.  She needs someone to help organize, do a little copy editing kind of work, and so on.  I also get to play a bunch of educational video games and enter descriptions and hyperlinks for each.  And since then the job has evolved.  I’m now writing the prologue to the book and may have some graphic artist work coming my way associated with it as well.  Now how good is THAT going to look on a resume!!!!  My first real writing job!  My excitement level went through the roof!

The Second Job:  Was for a small business downtown.  I have friends that used to sing its praises once upon a time.  A little coffee shop that they said felt like home.  And when I got my interview I could understand why.  It is a LOVELY little establishment.  Art on the walls, and just plain friendly nature.  The job was for prepping and decorating donuts and pastries.  An early morning thing.  …I’m not a morning person, but I know I’m good at this, need the money, and doing this for a small business will be MUCH more rewarding than for a conglomerate tyrant like Walmart.  So, I kept the interview.  The writing job is on a contract basis where I make my own hours and have 100 hours to distribute however I see fit through the summer.  I can do both with ease!  …but when I got to my interview, I found out that they had hired someone the day before I sent my email.  (And they said they were kicking themselves for it.)  Again, I was told that on paper I’m perfect.

This is two days in a row I’ve been told this.  What the hell happened?  How did I go from being told by Walmart everyday that I’m “replaceable” to this “rock star” status!?  They looked over my portfolio and they DEFFINITELY want me!  …So, it isn’t much for hours.  Just one day a week actually.  But it’s all I need.  And I can’t wait to learn all there is to learn under this FANTASTIC decorator I will be working under.  Between the writing and the cake decorating, I should have enough to get by for the summer.

The Third Job:  Isn’t until Fall.  And I’m very hopeful for it as well.  I don’t see getting turned down for it.  It’s a tutoring position through the school.  One on One tutoring.  Which I have experience in, going back to the fifth grade, as well as helping my brothers with their home schooling, and teaching private art lessons in homes.  Like I said, I’m hopeful.

So that’s that.  What May failed to bring, June saw through.  On the career front at least.  And that’s enough for the moment.


I’ve been living a bit of the noir life lately.  Or that’s the way of my brain finding some levity to the situation.  A closet full of fedoras, a fridge with little else in it but booze, a dying plant on the kitchen table, and stacks of papers in the living room.  (Okay so the bottles of booze are really old because of how LITTLE I drink, and the stacks are notebooks that I’ve been hard at work writing my novels, but still effective to my illustration.)  I have an empty apartment.  No friends.  No family.  No pets.  …and I’m oddly okay with it.  My friend Nando comes over to hang now and then, and that’s cool.  But other than that, I’m quite alright with being by myself now.  Wasn’t what I was expecting…  but oddly okay with it.  I just wish I had cable for some background noise.  Silence can drive you a little nutty at times.  Especially when you can hear every whisper uttered in the parking lot.  (I’m looking at you, neighbors.)  *eye narrowing.  No seriously, don’t air your personal business out in the parking lot.  I don’t want to hear the drunk ramblings anymore.  > : (

In the last couple of months I think I’ve figured out some of the balance to friends.  And I’ve not reversed my position from the Ohio trip.  Sorry.  That SOOO proved to me that I can’t deal with people in copious masses (especially if they’re taking themselves WAY too seriously.)  It was a bad trip, and that’s the end of it.  But in the last couple of weeks, I’ve also had a good trip.  …Well, as good as it gets under the circumstances.  (Honestly, people in my life need to stop having bad luck and start having good health.)  But it was a road trip with friends to see other friends, and it was a good time catching up and recalling old times.  And in my time there, I realized something strange.

They say children and animals will speak truths.  And I believe “they.”

Once upon a time, I recall going to a coffee house, and a little girl, barely walking age, stumbled past my table.  The mother called out to her several times to come back, but she turned around, looked at her mother, looked at me, and then staggered to my leg and looked to her mother as if to say, “Nah, I’m good.”  Or the time, while walking past a service counter at work, a child in a cart behind her mother reached out to me wanting me to pick her up as I passed.  Random fun little encounters with children and animals that they seemed to want to be near me.  …That changed in my rather bitter past year or so.  That didn’t happen anymore.  Not only did children no longer seem drawn to me, but they actually seemed to not like me much when forced to be.  I couldn’t blame them.  Like I said, I didn’t really want anyone getting close to me, and children are going to pick up on that energy more easily than adults.

But on this trip, something seemed a bit more back to my variation of “normal.”  I had a day with a couple of “little” ones.  One, a baby, not yet walking, who decided that falling asleep in my arms was as comfy a place as any.  Another… maybe eight now, who used to cuddle up with me back when he was merely a toddler, (but doesn’t remember me,) decided that sitting practically on my lap to play computer games with me was a good use of his time.  Not to mention the two new kittens to the household, one of which claimed my knee as its ideal spot for rest nearly any time I sat down.

So…  It’s a positive side I suppose.  I may not have many people in my life anymore.  I may not be trying to fix that necessarily, and am just enjoying the peace and quiet.  But at least I’m not pushing people away either.  It’s a small and strange improvement arriving at the balance I think I need for now.

NOW HERE I AM, staring at the rest of this blank page.  A million words wanting to continue to spill forth.  But as I said at the beginning…  Just can’t do it right now.  Maybe sometime soon.  For now, I suppose this is as good a place as any to end this post.  Happy summer, everyone.  See you soon.

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