I’ve written at least ten different blogs in the last month. But they all came out very wrong. And I realized that anything I write about a few of my recent experiences, (as I like to leave things vague for sake of protecting identities….) was bound to piss off at least 5 different people that would have thought I was talking about them and all in different ways.
To that I have one thing to say to ALL of you. My world??? Revolves around ME. Not YOU. YOUR world revolves around YOU. MY world. YOUR world. Two separate entities. If you think every decision I make is concerning you? All I can say is- “You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.”
But I’m going to stop there, and leave the rest alone before this just becomes another one of those angry blogs I was talking about trying to avoid. I have to remind myself of my mission statement in this blog. “Fun of Folly.” …Sometimes weird crap happens. Sometimes, it’s bad. Really bad. But if you can’t make fun of it you’re lost. “Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.”
-Irvin S Cobb
Life can hand us some weird twists. Those little moments that make you raise an eyebrow… Sometimes both… and say, “did that really just happen?” I’ve come to expect these moments. And like a good little girl scout, once upon a time, I always seemed to be prepared for anything. And then the more prepared I made sure to be, the more obscure the “anythings” got.
It left me contemplating free will vs. destiny. Do we really have any control? Does it matter how much preparing we do? I know friends who took every precaution, went to college, studied hard, and only to now work a minimum wage part time job despite all their efforts. I worked hard on my marriage, was faithful, and patient, but I still found myself divorced. And then, there are those that worked hard and managed to have all life goals come out as planned. They owned their dreams and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Their dedication paid off in the end. But on the flip side, I also know people that luck just seemed to be with them, and life handed them golden moments of opportunities.
So. Can we really choose a path? Or do we really have no control? Should we surrender to the fates? Believe whatever is going to happen is going to happen anyway and just enjoy the ride? Does free will actually exist?
Yes. I believe it does. In fact. I believe both do. “You can't leave everything up to fate, boy! She has a lot to do! Sometimes, you must give her a hand.” –Leonardo in Ever After.
If I was told I’m destined to get hit by a bus, that there was no avoiding it, and plain and simple THAT is how I’m going to die; that does not mean I’m going to stop looking both ways before crossing the street. But nor does that mean that I’m going to stay locked up in my house away from all busy roads either. Chances are, the bus will find a way to get me if that’s my true destiny. Maybe a bus will crash through my living room wall. Maybe it’s a toy bus that someone put in a slingshot and hit me in the temple with. Who can say?
We can prepare. We can make plans. But I feel like life is like playing chess on a board where your opponent’s pieces are invisible. There are obstacles and things that we can’t see coming. Destiny. Challenges, we aren’t aware of. We can know strategy, and have free will to move our pieces in wise directions, but sometimes we loose a rook instead of a pawn. Sometimes we earn back our Queen. (Do any of you play chess. Is this a bad analogy?)
Something big is coming.
I wrote a book. Years ago. (Yes I know, I promised a sequel. I’m working on it.) But for those of you that read that book, you’ll understand this. At the end of the book one of the characters has a change of attitude. She says she can feel something coming. Something BIG. She confides this in another character whom at that moment is very fearful for her safety. He asks how she can be so certain it’s something good. What if the big thing coming is some horrible disaster. She replies that it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, it is what’s meant to happen. And it is something that will change everything for her.
When I wrote that book, I had put a lot of my own personal experiences into this character. I pull inspiration where I can get it. …Never before did I think for a moment she would lend an experience to me.
So having had this feeling for the last couple weeks, imagine my surprise when a txt hit my cellphone… “Something BIG is on the way!” from an unknown number. My heart skipped a beat. (just a little one) Until I kept reading, “…introducing the Belief project from US Cellular.”
Grrr…. Thanks US Cellular.
No. Something else is coming. I have no idea what it is, or when it will hit. Maybe it won’t be for months. Maybe tomorrow. And as scary as it seems… I have the feeling, even if it is a tragic disaster… by the end of it, things are going to be alright.
I feel a little lost lately. Playing with invisible pieces on an imaginary chess board. I feel like surrendering to the fates is what I’m meant to do. To just sit back and enjoy the ride. This is just a moment in time, that I need to step aside and let happen. And then decide what to do with it after it does.
I hate surprises. But patience is not my current virtue either. If this is really as big as I feel it may be… I want it done with. Before I lose my nerve.