Thursday, September 9, 2010

Creation. Destruction. And a few unexpected side effects.

So. I’ve been sick. Not such a big thing. Something went “amiss” with my lower spine. I’m getting better. Slowly. It’s left me a lot of time to do nothing though. And I really mean NOTHING. Oh, what I wouldn’t have given a few weeks ago to have had some “free time.” Time to do some writing. Time to do ANYTHING really. And here I am. And because of the meds I’m on, I have the attention span of a hummingbird. I’ve tried opening up a couple of files on my novels a few times. …Doesn’t work. About ten minutes in the meds would either make me fall asleep or want to throw the computer across the room out of frustration. (There was a balance issue for a bit. Still the tiniest bit of one.)

Even movies have seemed a difficult chore of sitting through. (If you know my love of movies you know how serious I am about my frustrations.) But it’s getting better. And a couple days ago, I realized a very interesting side effect. The other day…. I saw.

No contacts, no glasses. My vision is beyond 20/200 (where they stop measuring) and I saw for the first time in 20 years with my own natural eyes. …How is this possible you ask? Well… I’m assuming the steroids.

See… The difficutly with my eyesight is not just an astigmatism, or the drusen. (Which I have both of these as well.) But the muscle deficiency is where the real trouble started. You know when you get to that sleepy state of the night where your eyes just don’t want to work anymore, but you can push a little to get them to focus? That’s me. All the time. I can work really hard at getting them to focus if I want. (For the most part.) But it’s REALLY hard, and usually will make me throw up if I try too long. (Sorry, but yes I do mean that literally. Gross I know.)

Anyway. I haven’t been watching anything too new lately. Things my attention span has allowed for. Things I already know well enough so I don’t have to pay attention. Firefly. Blood Plus. The IT crowd. The Fountain…. Etc. There’s a line in The Fountain. One character asks what the other thinks about the concept of Creation out of Destruction.

This is a concept that I have been discussing with at least 3 different people lately. Boils down to things happening for “a reason” and “faith” and…. My head is too tired to get into the knitty-gritty details, but it is not my belief that things happen for a “reason.” Things happen. And I find those that can keep faith that their God is present despite bad things happening for no reason, have more faith than those that have to believe that God has a plan. (Maybe it’s the story of Job that drives this point home for me. Which is funny because I think that it’s one of the WORST stories in the bible.)

But. I will believe in cause and effect. And I do NOT believe in regrets. …And really, it boils down to finding the brighter side of things. For example. If I had not damaged my spine, certain airs would not have been cleared between myself and a few people. If I had not had to take steroids, I would not have had the pleasure of seeing with my own two eyes for the first time in 20 years. If I hadn’t had to take off work I probably would not be looking into going back to school. (Though I’m not 100% sure that’s going to happen still, and *wince-cringe* I’m also considering…. Kinda… joining the Navy.) …Don’t lecture me. When I said I needed to get the hell out of here, I meant it. And hey, it may ALSO be a way to get to Asia. And it’s just an idea I’m playing with anyway. Probably won’t. Still hoping on alternatives.

Of course, if I had not damaged my spine, I also would not be in financial trouble, or worried about losing my job altogether, or letting my thoughts drive me crazy about certain things. Or picking fights because the meds make me moody and loopy…. So. Yes… I believe in finding the glass half full. I like to focus on the first paragraph much more than this one. But both still exist. There was creation out of destruction. Whether there is a “plan” for it or not. I don’t take it as a “sign.” I don’t think that “God” causes suffering just to teach us a lesson or prove a point.

I have faith. And my faith is in something better than that.

I’ll live each day. Try to learn patience. And wait for the next bend in the road.

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