In The Face of Pandemic, Part 2... Or, Schooling and Things You Didn't Know About Me.

School, Parenting, And A Disruptive Childhood


I write this in the midst of a major pandemic, otherwise known as the Covid 19 outbreak.  ..God I hope "which" pandemic doesn't need to be clarified someday.  Anyway, while life is rebounding and getting on its merry way in other countries, the United States (and a few others) have just completely botched it. And now, people are turning on each other. And yes, I suppose I'm one of them. Because I've been sitting here saying certain things aren't worth the risk of your loved ones' health and well being, and you're an idiot if you think those things are.  ...Call me a monster if you like.

Basically, this comes after a post I made to social media yesterday where I basically said, if the only reason you're sending your kids back to school right now is because you need a break from your kids, you're a bad parent.  And yes, I firmly stand by that.  Risking your child's and everyone in contact with your child's life, is not worth you having a glass of wine at three in the afternoon.  If you have so little control over your children that you cannot set boundaries to have a moment of free time, you are bad at managing your children.

Sorry, not sorry.

"But... But.... You don't have any children, where do you get off???"

You're right. So excuse me. Apparently this is my stop.

I don't talk about my past in much detail. Especially with new people in my life, because... Well. It's dark, and awkward, and after the years rolled on I found it was better to have people only know the superficial surface facts about me. Rather than get into the gory guts of my childhood.

My mother, wasn't much of a mother.  I wasn't a great substitution either, but hey, I did my best for not having much of a roll model to mimic. I remember the first time I was left alone with my baby brothers for an extended and unexpected period of time, and just didn't know WHAT the hell to do.  I had just turned 12, was in the early months 7th grade. They were 3 and 2.  Hours went by, the sun had set. Cell phones weren't a thing. Dinner time had come and gone. I was hungry. They were cranky with hunger... I could barely cook.  I eventually improvised making some mac and cheese with a chunk of cheese I found in the fridge, shaking at the stove worried I was going to screw it up and poison us, or burn myself, or something would happen to the baby while I was away from them cooking...  But I did it, ate, and both of the toddlers seemed fine by time our parents came home.  Little did I know this was just the beginning.

By 8th grade, I was so exhausted.  My mom left me in charge of my brothers more often than I could possibly say. I would watch them, most days after school, clean up their toys/room, and then about once or twice a week, I would go next door to the neighbors to watch THEIR kids after my brothers got ready for bed. Usually ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.  And usually from about 8 or 9 pm until 1 or 2 in the morning...  No time for homework.

And somehow, by the end of the week, my mother would always claim to be broke and need money to get dinner.  So the twenty dollars I earned went to her, but instead of buying sensible things like chicken, eggs, and rice... she blew it on McDonald's Happy Meals for my brothers, because she didn't want to cook.  Sometimes she would pay me back. Sometimes she would lecture me about how it was my responsibility to "contribute" to the household. ...Again, I was 13...

This lasted until 14, when on Christmas Eve, our parents left us alone to go get our traditional Chinese food dinner from our favorite place about 45 minutes away.  It was mac and cheese night all over again...  Except... They never made it home this time.  I was alone. Watching the clock tic well past dinner time. Until I got a phone call that there had been an accident. A bad accident. And I left my brothers playing downstairs, and allowed myself to cry for five minutes. Not for my parents, but out of panic, and terror.  I didn't know the first thing about where "Santa" had the presents for my brothers. I had nothing to feed them other than some breakfast sausage and pancake sticks.  I didn't know how I was supposed to do everything my mother always left until the last minute. But I pulled myself together, fed them, let them each open the Hot Wheels cars I got them for Christmas, and put them to bed.  Reinforcements AKA Grandma, didn't get there until 2 am, when she insisted I go to bed and let her handle the rest.

If you thought my burdens BEFORE the accident were bad... You can only imagine what came after. High school was a joke.  More and more money was funneled to my family to keep us "afloat" and the only me time I got???  I would lie to my parents about having to stay late at school, and just sit for an hour on the front lawn, enjoying the quiet, and doing homework before going home to take care of things.

At night, I was the one my brothers would come to when they had bad dreams. The one to clean up wet beds, after I would hear my mother raging about the mess, and the little one's crying in response to her raging.

Being a parent wasn't something I wanted to do. Putting food on the table wasn't supposed to be my responsibility.  Soothing away nightmares, and keeping kids entertained, bathed, and safe, wasn't something I was prepared for.  And yes, I WAS BAD AT IT AT TIMES.  Even great parents make mistakes, let alone 15 or 16 year old big sisters...  But I was, a provider, a protector, a nurturer, and sacrificed A LOT of my own childhood to be so.  In the end, no one can say I wasn't a "parent."


WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE PANDEMIC AGAIN???

In light of the pandemic, I am being a bit vocal about NOT sending kids to school. And people are coming down on me hard for it. Especially for "not being a parent" to which I would say, "read the above paragraph again." But really that's fine. People can have their opinion of me just as I can have an opinion of them.  I should add here though, that I was also a teacher once. And know what you are getting your kids into.  I am vocal because I am trying to protect you and your families.

Think of all the pencils you send your kid to school with, that "go missing" and you have to write names on, and are STILL never recovered.  All of the mittens you sew into jacket sleeves but still get "misplaced."  You don't think that kids are going to accidentally "lose" or "trade" masks?  You don't think some little boys and girls won't forget to wash hands for a full 20 seconds each after using the bathroom?  You don't think bullies will suddenly stop pushing kids, or knocking books out of hands, or spitting on others, because it violates social distancing? You don't think after seeing how dumb full grown adults have been about wearing masks and social distancing, that kids are going to be completely obedient?

I KNOW there are challenges to teaching and learning virtually.  I KNOW it isn't great for a lot of parents and students with things like having to work, or having learning disabilities.  I KNOW there are consequences where some students may even have to stay behind a year, and miss graduating with friends.  But I also know that social distancing will mean more of those friends will be ALIVE to graduate.  More of those friends WON'T lose parents, or have parents severely debilitated due to illness, making life a living hell.  Believe me, as someone who lived through my parents being TERRIBLY ill after their accident and having to pick up all of the slack, I wouldn't wish that on ANY child.

Life unfortunately isn't fair. I can attest to that.  Yes it sucks. Yes it is okay to be angry about this.  But don't get angry with me for contributing my input, experiences, and lessons learned in life about how poorly some of you are handling this.  IT IS NOT SAFE TO REOPEN SCHOOL BUILDINGS. And all of the experts are saying the same thing! And it is easier to problem solve the obstacles of virtual learning than it is to solve the problem of huge spikes as a result of the further pandemic spread.



PROBLEM SOLVING THE BIG OBSTACLES OR REASONS AGAINST ONLINE SCHOOLING

1.
I'm not a teacher.

No one is asking you to teach.  Parents are only being asked to enforce that kids are logging in, watching the videos, and completing the assignments. If you child doesn't understand an assignment, they should be helped in writing a two sentence email to their teacher asking for more help, or saying why they don't understand.

2.
I have to work, can't be home with the kids and don't have family to take care of them.

I'm upset about this too. The government should have stepped up WAY more than it should have for those who "need" to work just to provide for families. But some are essential workers like grocery clerks, and so forth and would have to work anyway.

Propose to your school board that a "student care exchange" sign up sheet is set up.  You put down your availability to take a "partner" home on, and are matched.  For example, House A can care for kids Monday and Thursdays. House B can care for kids Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  And yes, if one household is infected, the other will have to isolate, but at least households C D E and F and the teacher weren't exposed like they would have been in the classroom.

Those who wish to participate should also sign a promise to follow CDC guidelines on social distancing, masks, and hygiene and take other precautions.

3.
Part of school is about socialization.

First off. Socialization is hard, when social distancing is imperative.  The faster we get the pandemic under control the faster your child can return to socializing. But until then, also see the solution for number 2.

I agree that socialization is an important part of development. Particularly problem solving social interactions. So be prepared to work things through with your kids if there is a conflict with the other household. Be a good parent and set an example of proper socializing if people don't like each other, or the kids get in a fight.  Don't talk poorly of the other household EVER.  And help your child find ways to get along with the other children. Again, Life isn't FAIR. You may get paired with people who you don't like right away.  But guess what? Car accidents aren't fair. Pandemics aren't fair. Cancer isn't fair.  But we can separate out the difference between inconvenience or discomfort and total tragedy.  Ask the school to help with this as well if there is conflict. Not to reassign, but to work out differences.

4.
Special Need Students.

Yep. I get it. I was a Special Needs Tutor, Aide, and focused on spec ed classes as a substitute teacher.  Some NEED in person instruction.  

For this, I recommend school buildings ARE open.  I KNOW! RIGHT???  But, with the majority of students learning at home, we have thinned out the stress on the schools resources and we could have shortened days or weeks, depending on the needs.and classes.

The thing I know ALL special needs children require is consistency.  Stress of change is a HUGE factor in learning for these children.  And I'm sorry to say, if we open schools for a month or two, see huge spikes resulting in having to immediately shut down again, not only will it be stressful for the teachers and administrations, it will be catastrophic for these students who JUST got used to a new routine again.  When I say school buildings should not be open, I AM thinking of these students. 


5.
Uneven access to virtual learning.

Schools did a great job last year getting things in place for virtual learning. Yes, it's hard, but that can be expanded upon now.  I know a number of "inner city" as well as "rural" teachers who told me some of their steps in getting computers to students to borrow.  Even food to students who are on lunch programs.  Schools are prepared for this contingency. And can now EXPAND on it now that we know where problems and complications are. 

Some areas are using buses equipped with WIFI to bring internet access to those in need.  Brilliant. Even if the local municipalities ask for funding to rent Charter buses for this, there is a solution.  But really, maybe be upset with the government for not funding access to an essential utility for modern life, instead of school building for not being open to protect you?  Just a suggestion.


6.
Unsafe Homes.

This one breaks my heart.  And there is no solution I can give that will not ruffle some feathers or cause more issues.  I'd like to say, if a home isn't safe enough to exist in during the length of a school day... It isn't safe enough to exist in at all... 

This one, stumps me. And I hope someone will comment on this post with solutions I haven't thought of.  Because clearly, number 2 won't cut it unless some angles out there would be willing to sign up to take on extra kids for the full week.


I end with number 6 because I want it end with the humble admission that I don't have all the answers.  NO ONE DOES. What's important is that we work together to find them instead of just thrusting our children onto teachers saying, "figure it out."  The government should be stepping up to help, and so should we all.  If you have any suggestion, or have another obstacle to distance learning that you aren't sure how to conquer, please comment below.  We can do this together.  We don't have to see children bring Covid home to their parents.  We don't have to see teachers get sick and die leaving schools shut down completely.  We can use the education, common sense, and skills we learned when WE were in school to be smarter than a microscopic adversary.

In the Face of a Pandemic Part 1 "Cleaning"

I know supplies feel like they are running low. I know many of you feel at risk concerning medical needs, accessibility, and so on. And I feel... this is what I've been training for.

Many of you know I've had my fair share of struggles in the past. So much to the point that I've basically had to learn to do everything for myself from scratch. I had been without healthcare or access to a doctor for well over a decade. I know how to make food rations last for weeks. I know how to stretch a dollar like a rubber band. I know how to keep entertained when you can't go out. And so on.

If you are struggling with something (from being out of bread during lock down to how to SAFELY treat a fever,) feel free to ask me. If I don't know I will simply tell you.

I will try to post various resources as things develop to help you all get through as well.

Here is a small tip to start: CLEANING

Many germs and viruses don't do well with UV light. Open your blinds, curtains, etc. Get NATURAL light into your homes along with your cleaning efforts. UV light is not enough just on it's own but will help. (Not to mention the access to sunlight will help you create important immune supporting vitamins as well as "happy" hormones. So you don't feel so overwhelmed.)

When disinfecting, things, make sure you allow ample "wet time" to be effective. Wiping surfaces down with a disinfectant, such as a bleach solution, is not enough. Depending on the type of disinfectant, it can take anywhere from 30 seconds to up to 6 minutes to kill germs.

A mild bleach solution is best for hard surfaces. Two tablespoons bleach for 4 cups water. Spray on a surface, and let it air dry. DO NOT DRY IT WITH A TOWEL! It needs to stay wet for about 60 seconds.
And a small warning: do not assume a stronger solution is better! Bleach fumes can damage lung tissue as it evaporates, and it is important to keep lungs healthy as possible right now, as corona virus causes damage and honey combing of lung tissue for some.

If you need to clean soft surfaces, such as a bed, couch fabric, or car seats, while not as effective as bleach white vinegar is best. It won't bleach or fade fabric, but will kill many germs as well as eliminate odors. It's also very affordable. A little will go a long way, so don't hoard it. (Side note: Also very effective at cleaning windows, environmentally friendly, and will decalcify things such as faucets for hard water stains.

I hope these three things give you a little more peace of mind during this time. Again, feel free to ask me questions on anything you are worried about. We are all better when we share what we have to offer.

Why Bernie is the Only One Who Can Win

I've been politically silent lately. Hell I've been silent in general lately. That has been on purpose. But I have to break some silence for a moment here, to explain why Bernie Sanders is the ONLY democrat at this point who stands any chance of winning against Donald Trump.

Now this is in direct contrast to what most of the media and political "experts" are going to tell you about the "math."  Well, in response to that, let me emphasize this point, when all of these "experts" promised us that Trump would NEVER win the first time, and "no one saw this coming," I did. I knew he was going to win and was warning every friend and professor I knew. (Unfortunately no one took me seriously.) Why did I know? Because I wasn't looking at just the math, but the nature of people. I wasn't looking at the polls, I was looking at the voters. And this is the same reason I know, without a doubt that Biden cannot win, but Bernie would.

WHY TRUMP WON AND WHY THE POLLS AND MATH ARE BULLSHIT

When Trump won, it came as a shock, because there was only a small handful of people who were truly passionate about voting for him. In other words, there was only a small handful that were honest in the polls when a potential voter was asked who they intended to cast their ballot for.

And as one by one, as all the other candidates dropped from the race, and the options grew scarce... Well.... What can we say other than we are a nation that vote for Letters, and not People. We cheer on political sports teams, and wave figurative foam fingers with giant Ds or Rs emblazoned on them in red white and blue...

I remember talking with family members over the phone and being asked who I was voting for, and hearing my grandmother in the background loudly declare "Well she already knows who we're voting for."  This made me sigh. My grandmother hated Trump. But, her tradition of voting for the R on the ticket would not let that stop her from voting for someone she hated.

For better or worse, this is human nature.


WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THIS ELECTION:

So far, the media and "experts" has been going on, at great length about how Joe Biden is the only candidate that can win, because he is a moderate. Because he is the only one that leans far enough to the right to pull a handful of republican voters over the line to vote for a democratic nominee. (Because that worked so well the last time?) No. Not going to happen. There are VERY few people who are comfortable enough to cross that line. Especially with the last four years of Trump telling the public that the democrats are evil. That the democrats don't want to play nice. That the democrats are holding things up. Etc. and so on. Republicans would rather die than vote for a democratic nominee at this point. Biden can't pull any significant numbers over. But what he can do is lose numbers that would otherwise vote.


THE VALUE OF YOUNG VOTERS:

If you ask any "expert" what target demographic is least likely to show up to vote, it's "young voters."

I cannot stress how key this demographic is. These are people who haven't necessarily chosen a "team" to support yet. These are people who want to feel EXCITED to participate.  And this makes up about 13% of the very necessary number to a democratic candidate's victory.

In 2016, there were many who didn't show up to vote in the general election for several reasons.

1. People were told that Hillary would beat the pants off Trump without even trying, and thought their vote wasn't necessary. (Because who in their right mind would vote for him?) 
2.  Young voters didn't feel heard by the DNC.  They felt betrayed by the team they had gotten hopes up to cheer for, and feel the nomination was "stolen" from Bernie.
3.  Trump started using a bunch of Bernie's rhetoric, and drew a few of those voters to his party. (Because remember young people vote for a person not a team yet.)

We need to learn from these mistakes and past experiences.

By supporting Biden, all that is happening is we are sweeping aside a large demographic of young voters who are idealistic and only going to vote for someone who excites them enough to get involved.  Do yourself a favor and go up to any teenager you know and ask them to tell you about each candidate (without using the internet.)  I promise you they will be able to tell you more about Sanders than Biden. I promise you, if anyone is going to get them to participate, it's Sanders not Biden.

If beating Trump is the ultimate goal, Sanders is the ONLY choice.  No one (or at least very very few) are going to switch teams as they age. Much like my grandmother who hated Trump but voted for him anyway, older Democratic voters WILL show up and vote for whoever is on the ticket, waving a big blue foam finger.  Those numbers are already guaranteed.  Get the young ones to show up, and the democratic party will be back in the White House.

Dreams, Dreams, and Dreams

Dreams... The word can have so many different contexts.

There are the kind of dreams you have when you are in a peaceful slumber. There are the illusions and fantasies of winning lotteries and escaping to private tropical islands, even if we don't play the lottery. And then there are the dreams we work at. The ones that we are told if we are a good person, dedicated, and determined, they are achievable. This is the future we see for ourselves. The one that is supposed to be possible when applying oneself.

I have a tattoo on my back. It is the kanji character for dream. A reminder to myself to never turn my back on my dreams again. Something I did once for love. I gave up on so much I wanted out of life, in such a little by little way that I didn't even realize I was doing it. And ever doing that again, terrified me. I got that tattoo as going to Japan was a fervent dream of mine. And with enough hard work and dedication, I enrolled back in college once able, learned as much of the language as I was able, and applied for an internship.

I am no stranger to doing what it takes to make my dreams come true.

Last night's dreams, were unfortunate. Because, like it or not, they are closely tied to what I once dreamed for my future, when I was a child. When I was young, family meant the world to me. There was no better time of year than the holidays. So much so, that I would get beyond overexcited about the prospect of seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, almost ruining the possibility because I would end up throwing up some years. I LOVED everyone just so damn much. I'm not going to say that ever changed. I probably love them just as much as I ever once did. But I had to let them go.

Last night I had a series of dreams, that involved my mother, my grandparents house, farming in the back field that my grandfather reserved for corn, and rats... a lot of rats. And dead puppies, and... let's just surmise it with they weren't good dreams...

It was a series of dreams I knew were coming ever since finding out last week that someone gave my mother access to information about me again.  Someone told her about my Etsy store, so she created an Etsy profile, under her REAL name, not trying to hide it whatsoever, and when to my store to like a bunch of my paintings...

I understand this doesn't sound like such a big deal to many. And hardly worth getting upset about. Something that many don't understand why I would have nightmares about. But, today, I've been in tears. As in, hysterical, ugly crying, with my dog very confused and pressing tight to me, trying to protect me from whatever unseen force was attacking me, tears. And I feel I must try and explain what exactly it is that has caused such a volatile reaction to help people understand what it is I go through each and every time someone tries to give her some lifeline to connecting with me.

It goes without saying that the relationship with my biological mother has been very strained for a great number of years. But really, that's irrelevant.  There are things that have happened between her and I that I will never talk about, and shouldn't have to. Things many would consider "unforgivable." But really, it isn't even that I don't forgive her those acts. It's fine. She's a messed up person, and I don't know if it's the MS or some psychological illness from before it... but all I know is she has continued to hurt me no matter how many "second chances" I've given her. So I had to go.

What people often don't understand is what sacrifices had to be made in order to do so.

Think about it like an alcoholic giving up alcohol--sorry, I know it isn't a perfect metaphor, but it's as close as I can make understandable.  It isn't just drinking the person would be giving up. It's an entire lifestyle. You need to find a support system. You will likely not be able to hang out at the usual haunts. Avoiding friends who are pressuring you with that "oh come on, one drink won't hurt."

Severing ties with my mother meant losing friendships with over 20 cousins, the brothers that I raised, 6 aunts/uncles and their spouses, my grandmother who raised me more than my biological mother ever did... never meeting my nephew... As much as I dreamed as a child of being surrounded by family, warmth and happiness in my adult years, I have sacrificed family gatherings, weddings, even funerals, to avoid this toxic person. (As well as to prevent functions being ruined because of any scene she might make if I refuse to speak to her at such events.)  This was not something easily decided. I traded my dream of love and family for the dream of protecting myself.

And every time someone shares a new way with my mother how to find me, how to get to me, how to potentially hurt me again... that person is doing SO MUCH MORE than just exposing me to that toxicity again. They are perpetuating that this nightmare is indeed endless. They are nullifying every painful sacrifice I've made in order to avoid her. They are making the missed weddings and funerals a wasted sacrifice.

They are giving me dreams about dead puppies and rats in the house I grew up in.

A New Site, a New Life?

Some of you who know likely already know that I am trying my hand at something new. A website dedicated to weddings that are affordable as well as amazing,
FrugallyYours.org

It's no secret that life hasn't been easy for me, financially speaking or otherwise. That's nothing to be ashamed about. I've worked hard all my life. So hard in fact that I've kinda destroyed myself in the process of working 2-3 jobs at a time to make ends meet throughout my 20's. Then put myself through college, and here I am, still pretty broke. And while I won't say that's okay, I can recognize most of the country is in the same boat.

Honestly, my last job fiasco was a bit more than a let down. I know I haven't said much about what happened, and there are reasons for that. But I'll summarize it as this, until I find the strength to explain in more detail. The women I was working with were nothing buy big bullies. One of whom actively tried to get me fired, and the child I was aiding kicked out of the school. When I realized the attitudes towards me were affecting the child, in all good conscience I had to remove myself from the equation. And time to take my financial future into my own hands and start my own business.

As I said, this is not the first time I've struggled. I've had more curves thrown at me than a catcher's mitt. But that means, out of necessity, I've had to learn how to do just about everything you can name for a bargain. Not only do I shop wisely, I make my own decorations for my home, can sew and repair clothes, how to cut and dye my own hair, how to fix my own car, and even how to throw an amazing party or travel for pennies on the dollar (we all need a break, after all.) It takes a lot of hard work to be this poor.

Honestly, I have an budget friendly alternative for just about everything you can imagine. And all of this knowledge I have rattling around in my brain has come to prove itself useful. VERY useful.

Why did I pick weddings for my website?

1. Because I love a good party and have a lot of knowledge on how to throw a really great one.
2. Because in the state things are, we need a little happiness in the world and love is the best happiness to be had. We shouldn't lose these celebrations due to not being able to afford them.
3. Because the wedding industry has gotten crazy out of control, and people are sacrificing financial futures to have one little party. (I don't want happy couples stressed over finances to the point of divorce.)
4. Because it would give me the room to cover so many topics that cross over into other arenas, from finding affordable renaissance fair outfits, to vacation tips.

So, check it out if you have the time. I guarantee you'll find something useful on it, in one category or another. Even if just for trivia night, as there are a lot of strange little facts I make sure to include. For example, who can officiate weddings in what states (some allow you to marry yourself to another person.) Or the fact that you can sue a wedding venue if a drunk driver hits you after leaving the reception, in some areas. Who knew?

Photogenic Problematic

I came across a post today on facebook about photographic consent and have some things to add to to it. The post was regarding this photo and message from Alok Vaid-Menon:

"This was a photo of me taken without my consent an hour ago.

I have people take photos of me every day but i never know where they end up. one of my supportive followers sent this to me & it’s the first time i have seen one of these. (this photo has since been reposted to @subwaycreatures story also without my consent).
It’s so surreal & scary to see this — it reminds me that i am constantly being watched, rendered into a spectacle for other people’s enjoyment & entertainment. people don’t ask me for consent because they read my gender non-conformity as already consenting to public consumption. the presumption here is because we have already seemingly transgressed normalcy/respectability, we do not have boundaries and are incapable of being violated.
This leaves gender non-conforming people like me disproportionately targeted for physical & sexual violence. when we say “i have been violated” we are victim blamed — told that we shouldn’t have “dressed up,” that we should expect this treatment for looking as we do.
I am here to tell you that no one — regardless of what they look like — should have their photo taken & shared without their consent. it is unacceptable & misogynist.
After this photo was snapped a white cis person told me that she liked “my costume.” when i boarded my train i had to go to a different car because i was being harassed by white cis people who wouldn’t leave me alone. i sat next to a white cis guy who got up and left the moment i sat next to him. this is my daily reality.
I want you to think about what happens to people like me inbetween the snapshots you see — how we are hunted, ridiculed, & put on exhibition for cis enjoyment. how i manage to still look so good despite being harassed & stalked & shoved & spat on & knowing that few people will defend me because i am not cis or white.
It’s terrifying when your joy is constantly policed — when you are made to fear your own beauty. they could have just asked for my permission. they could have just asked.
this photo will be seared in my mind forever.

instagram.com/alokvmenon

[yes people have permission to share this image with my caption now]"

It's here that I have to add my story and views to make it clear just how important it is to listen to what this person has to say about photo consent. BTW? In Japan this was a HUGE thing, and considered an ultimate rudeness to photograph others unless it couldn't be avoided (like in a crowded park where you're photographing a statue or something.) So here is why I will say it's important, regardless of gender:
This kind of behavior is nothing more than an adult version of grade school antics. Trying to look like the cool kid through a method of trying to knock others down. Picking on someone you see inferior, weird, or outcast, to gain more attention for yourself. And this awesome person is right. It makes it feel "more okay" for those listening to such drivel, to join in and pick on the person. But be warned. It is not okay. And some of us aren't afraid to tell you so. (In no uncertain terms.)
I remember my first semester back to college. I was taking a full schedule of classes, and working, and dealing with a cancer scare awaiting biopsy results, and taking care of my mother with MS on the weekends. In other words I was very tired and losing weight. So one day I sat down in my WOTA class, and kind of slumped forward on the desk surface of my chair.
This, regrettably, created a gap between my jeans and myself exposing my underwear band. I was later informed that 3 of the college students behind me were joking and laughing about it, and snapping photos of my underwear. (2 heterosexual females and 1 homosexual male, so it wasn't sexual gratification thing. Just a catty, bitchy, lowlife, bully thing.) I don't know where those photos ended up. I don't know if they put them on instagram, or snapchat, or what. I really don't care. I know the story behind that photo, that moment in my life. They don't.
Now I hope that others can see the photo at the start of this post through the same lens I do. I see a picture of a lot of boring and possibly sad people around one person who looks really awesome and potentially fun to get to know. I see a picture of someone living their life they way they want to live it, surrounded by a bunch of people who have simply bought into every lie about success and happiness they have been sold over the years. I see this, instead of how the person who snapped the photo intended the viewer to see someone to be mocked, and doesn't belong. Just as I hope instead of someone looking at the picture of my underwear band would see someone who is tired but trying. Exhausted but still attending classes. Instead of someone just being a slob.
But I will tell you this, as something of a warning. I'm one to speak my mind. Many of us outcasts and misfits are. (Especially come adulthood.) And boy-howdy, did those 3 college kids faces go white the next day as they looked like they tried to not piss their pants when I confronted them about taking those photos. They were embarrassed, scared, and no longer found anything about the situation humorous.
Moral of the story? Don't be a dick. Don't take pictures intended to embarrass others or gain attention for yourself while doing so. And make a rule of asking permission before taking a picture or at least posting it. It really isn't that hard to walk up to someone and say, "Hey, photography is something of a hobby of mine and I just thought you looked really interesting in this shot" (show them the photo you took) "But I wanted to ask your permission. Do you mind if I post it to my site? I'll delete it if you don't want me to. No problem."
If you are two embarrassed or afraid to ask that permission, that likely means, you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. It likely means you are feeling guilt. It likely means, you're scum.

Birthday? What Birthday?

I've been asked by a few people what I have planned for my birthday this year, and for good reason.

I usually use my birthday as an excuse to invite friends over and show them a good time.  This is usually a big night for s'mores, sometime sparklers and roman candles, or backyard camping... an adult slip-n-slide down the hill....  Just general fun, and not too much different from the many other little campfire nights I host, save an activity or two.

So a few have expressed concern over their missing invites this year. Not just for the birthday, but for the campfires and cookouts in general.  They are worried I'm upset with them, or depressed, or...

No need to worry.  I'm fine and I'm not angry with anyone.  I'm not for, or against, celebrating my birthday. That was never really the point of these gatherings in the first place.

Truth be told, I have a long list of reasons I haven't invited anyone over this year.

First, my ankle injury was a little more severe than we had hoped. I was stuck in bed keeping weight off it to let it heal for longer than I would like, and it still has been giving me grief.

Time, would be another factor as I have been very preoccupied with searching for a job, and there was also a wedding I was in which I had happily dedicated a few weekends to for showers and parties.

Following that, as I am still job hunting, and well... Unfortunately those gatherings I host do cost a bit. I mean, I'm good at planning on a budget, but I just have to be extra cautious with my cash at the moment.

And lastly and the biggest reason?  It has been a VERY wet year.  Not the best year for living along water.  The yard is still a little mushy since it flooded last spring and never dried up it seems. And even if we could dry out the fire pit area enough, you would be drained of blood before you could toast the first marshmallow. I have never seen mosquitoes swarm quite so bad.

So it is just not meant to be, and that's okay. Hopefully, come fall, the fates will be a little more accommodating.

All this said, I do miss you all, and look forward to being able to hang out again for some backyard shenanigans soon.

Don't Invite Me To Your Wedding: A Rebuttal

Hey all,

Wow, do I know a lot of people that are getting married right now!  Congrats by the way!  This world needs a little more love in it, so I couldn't be happier for you.

Some of these weddings I've been invited to. Some I am not.  And that's okay!  Weddings are expensive stressful events, and like any decent person I am not going to begrudge you for not having room on your guest list to include me. I've been there! You can not realistically have everyone you want to attend show up.  Stay strong and stay sane, and remember it is YOUR special day.


But for some reason, people seem to be forgetting what weddings are all about. The celebration of the love that has brought two people together.  Maybe it's because I know so many people tying the knot right now but I've been seeing a lot of articles like this one here,

"Don't Invite Me To Your Wedding If: A Comprehensive List"

Hrmm.  Um, excuse you!  It is not your day!

If you didn't click the original list/article, don't worry, we will get to it; point by point. And point by point I will illustrate what a self centered asshole you are acting like. (With the possible exception of one.)


Point 1:  If you're having a dry reception.

Now I get it.  Especially in American culture. All of the best commercials on TV would tell us a good time cannot be had without alcohol. And true, having a sip or two can relax us some, and make tolerating some obnoxious people a little easier, as the article points out.

Here's where you're going to feel like an ass as I point out, they probably have a reason for eliminating alcohol. I will lead with a personal example.

I have gotten married before.  I wanted a dry reception.  I didn't get a dry reception because for some reason many on my mother's side of the family said they wouldn't come if I didn't have alcohol. Many people that honestly took seats away from friends that I couldn't fit on the guest list, no less. But they were important to my mother that they could attend so I compromised and allowed beer, wine coolers, and similar.  Nothing too "hard."

What resulted was a bunch of loud Italians saying some pretty embarrassing stuff, an uncle walking around with a little cooler full of his BYOB, who eventually stripped down to his wife-beater style undershirt, and pinned my 11 year old brother by the neck against the door for "monkeying around at his sisters wedding."

Do you maybe see why I didn't want alcohol?
Do you understand that maybe the bride and groom perhaps don't want to deal with drama on their special day or have to remember an anniversary as the day a close friend or relative died in a drunk driving accident?
Do you understand that some people have alcoholics or newly recovering alcoholics in their family that they don't want to tempt fate with?
Do you understand that maybe the bride or groom may even be the recovering alcoholic?
No?
Oh, right, tell me more about how the day is all about YOU the guest.

I mean... it's not like anything bad has ever happened where alcohol where alcohol was involved, right?

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Point 2: Having a Band instead of a DJ

Okay, I get that your taste in music might be more in line with remixed heavy bass beat drops. Or maybe you like some country line dancing, or the classic Chicken Dance.  (I know it's a favorite in Wisconsin!)

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I have nothing against DJ's. And personally, yes I prefer a DJ as well. I have some very close friends who DJ/KJ for a living and I would love to support their businesses. But that opinion is about a wedding I would have, not one that I would attend as it is not "my" day, it's the bride and groom's. I merely wish to point out that there are ups and downs to both sides of this flipped coin on this one as I also have friends who are in bands.  Talented artists and musicians who want a little more exposure and could really use the gig.

So my point is, don't tell anyone who to hire on their day!  You don't know their reasons.  You don't know their budget.  You don't know if the band performing isn't in fact a member of the band's gift to the bride and groom.

And there is also one more little awesome thing you may have overlooked in your quick to judge--make it all-about-you ultimatum.  Even many of today's famous, most sought after musicians, had to start somewhere.  And that somewhere is often performing at little gigs like weddings.  You can get a list here which includes Idina Menzel!  One of my favorite Broadway performers of all time.  (You may recognize her as she played Maureen in the film Rent, was the voice of Elsa in Frozen, but my favorite was her role in WICKED.)  How cool of a story do people have who attended weddings that she sang at once upon a time!?

Yeah, your welcome for an attempt at a unique experience, you ingrate.

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Point 3: Your families are "beefed out" and there's any chance of a fight.

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Did you skip that bit about how you should know better than to complain there's no alcohol?  Maybe you should go back and read again.

Seriously, there is little to no chance that the day will be 100% drama free this "special" day.  I don't suspect that many fist fights break out at weddings.  I have not seen one yet. But there are precautions you can take by just not inviting people who are full of drama. We all have that one racist elderly person in the family, or a vegan who thinks the buffet is a tribute to torturing and murdering animals and won't shut up about it. (Or... and I'm looking at you, person who picks apart every wedding ever... That person who is going to find a flaw about your special day, broadcast it to the world, and prove they really just aren't a worthy enough friend to be included in the first place.)

So, if you are getting married, don't feel bad about having to have a very blunt conversation with these people. Tell them it is your day, not theirs (like I'm doing now) and if they don't think they can behave in a respectful way it is their responsibility to keep themselves in check or they will be asked to leave early.

If you can't do that, leave them off the guest list. No one has time or money to waste on people who are going to ruin your day.

If you can't do that without causing further undue drama, then have a destination wedding where guest lists are short and only the REALLY close people are invited or will be able to make it. (But we will get to that in another couple points.)

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4: Ring Bearer is a Pet.

I cannot even begin to express how ridiculous this one is to be upset about. Nor can I hide my astonishment that it is one of the most agreed with points on the list.

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I just don't understand the reasoning behind this.  The author of the article goes from saying "Your dog doesn't care about your wedding day. The humans there barely care so your pet really doesn't," to complaining that you are denying children in your family.
Never in the history of ever, have I ever been to a wedding where the children in the wedding actually wanted to be there throwing flowers and carrying rings. In fact, the only reason we have this tradition in the first place is because it was thought that the marriage is doomed if the groom accidentally dropped either of the rings. It was a sign he didn't want to get married, or the marriage can't last.  Less bad luck if someone else drops it.

There are reasons why an animal may be a better choice though.  Maybe not for me, but I understand and support it if you have this at your wedding for these reasons.

A.  While it's true that "Fido" may not understand or care what's happening, let's be honest that neither does the 3 year old. What's important is what you, as the bride and/or groom, care about.  If the pet is important to you? If it is a life that you and your partner have bonded over through years of caring for it together etc. then don't let the haters stand in your way. If someone would rather not be invited to your wedding over such a mundane detail, they are not your friend and don't deserve the invite.

B. You have 3 or 4 nephews all about the same age and you just know which ever one you pick is going to cause a big family fight and a bunch of backhanded compliments and snarky comments on your day.

C.  A pet is often better trained and more reliable to go from point a to point b without a fuss. I cannot count how many times I've seen ring bearers get stage fright, not know what to do, or make a b-line for mommy or daddy instead. The entire flow of the ceremony is interrupted, music starts to run long and the piano player starts to panic as daddy tries to wrangle a crying toddler down the aisle.

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5. Republicans Present?

This is just ridiculous.  I'm sorry, NO.  What!?

You're being close minded, prejudiced, and all around insensitive again.  Now, let me say with absolute clarity, that I think Trump is a terrible choice of president.  And let me shout it even louder that my opinion doesn't matter!  We aren't at the inauguration, we are at a wedding.

This may once again surprise you but it isn't YOUR wedding.  Saying you won't go to something because there are republicans there, is just as ridiculous as saying you won't attend because there are liberals present. Or black people present. Or Asian people present. Or gay people present. Or white people present.... etc. and so on.

If you can't put aside a political agenda for a single day, (and I don't care WHAT that agenda is) for a friend, then you need to be a grown up and dismiss yourself from the guest list. Not the other way around and expect your friends to read your mind and un-invite you. They have enough to worry about without the added stress of worrying who you are going to get along with.

Chances are the reason you feel so strongly about this is because you don't want to be stuck at a table debating things that you know you can never change the other person's mind about. So please realize that the bride and groom can't help it if grandma is a republican any more than you can. But guess who is probably a higher priority on the guest list.

PS. Most brides and grooms do take this stuff into account with this magical thing you've probably never heard of called a seating chart, you child.

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6. It costs more than $700 to arrive at your wedding destination.

Okay, this one is really hitting me hard. And yeah, I wouldn't be able to afford to go to that either. But recognize that sometimes, invitations are a politeness.  A "wish you could be here" gesture.  I don't think everyone is expected to attend that gets such an invite.

It's not jury duty. Your presence is not required by law. This goes both for friends who are invited from out of state to your location as well as local friends who are invited to a destination wedding. This seems less the bride and groom's problem of inviting you, and more your problem with not being able to say "no" or admit that you can't afford it. But remember there is no rule against sending regrets and a congratulatory card instead of flying off somewhere.  The end.

Now, my thoughts on destination weddings are a little more complex and here comes what I promised to continue earlier.

Weddings are expensive.  No, I mean REALLY out of control expensive. The markup for the word "wedding" alone is ridiculous.  Don't believe me? Call a venue and ask for a quote to rent the hall for a party... (A birthday party, or office party, or whatever excuse you want to make up.)  Wait a couple days, call back and ask for a quote for a wedding.  90% of the time the charge will be triple for the same damn services. The return on your investment is limited, and the more I learn about weddings the more I realize that guests don't really give a shit about the food or venue most of the time.

Maybe the closest 20 people to you do, but for many, it is a bit of a waste. So the solution for many couples is to plan a destination wedding for a close select few instead of having a big party that comes with a year of stressful planning for just one single evening.

While I'm not getting married anytime soon, my current partner and I have talked about the ridiculous costs and drama of weddings at length.  We have decided that instead of spending 10 grand on venue, food, music, photography, etc. for 300 people that you barely know the names of, it would be much better to choose the 20 closest people to us to share in an experience for half the price.

Basically, I have found that you can treat 20 family members and friends to a little vacation where all they need do is find some time off work and cover travel costs. Lodging, activities, food, and drink, for the entire week, can be provided for half the cost of a big fancy wedding.  And instead of having dozens of people complain that they weren't included in your 300 person guest list, you can have 280 people that "hate traveling" glad they had an excuse to not attend with disingenuous "sorry" rsvps,

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Now the last one on the list is a difficult one to talk about....
Point 7. If I'm your only black friend.

Awkward. The issue of "race" has really come to the forefront of discussion in recent days and it breaks my heart to see so much going so wrong so fast.

So I will preface my response to this one by saying, if you don't feel comfortable in any setting because of the color of your skin or your heritage, (no matter what ethnicity you associate yourself with,) if it were my wedding I would personally understand the need to decline an invite.

And if you feel you are the "token" friend of any demographic invited, and were only invited because of your skin color, sexual preference, or being differently abled, (insert demographic here)... Well screw that. You deserve better and shouldn't let the bride and groom use you to make themselves look like "good people."  Yes, I do recognize that there are people out there who try to "collect" friends to make themselves look good or trendy or... whatever. It's sickening.

But that's not the impression I got from this article complaining.

So I will just leave it at this: If you don't feel you will have a good time for this or any other reason, don't attend. Simple as that. But also, don't deny yourself a good time because you might be a different ethnicity than others at the party and assume you won't have anyone to connect with. That's every bit as racist.

Personally I refuse to eliminate someone I would like at my wedding from my guest list because of the color of their skin, or religion, or etc. compared to the rest of my guests. The decision of whether a friend feels comfortable enough to attend or not should be left up to them, not an assumption made by me.

I also cringe at the thought of misguided individuals going out and trying to find more people of any demographic to make their "one" friend more comfortable.  This is not okay. But people are dumb, and I can see some doing this in reaction to that article now...

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All summed up:

I guess the point of all this is, as a guest, it is not YOUR day.  It is the bride and groom's day.  Don't make it all about you before you are even invited. Everyone has reasons behind the choices for their own wedding day. If you want to make a list of "rules" someone should follow before inviting a person, make a list for yourself for YOUR wedding. Not others.

At the end of the day: Be kind. Be a gracious guest. Understand that these two people probably spent thousands upon thousands on this party for you to come and have a free meal, dance, and be jolly celebrating their life event. If you can't do that for them without alcohol, or because a dog is carrying a ring, something is wrong and maybe you should just send a "regrets" RSVP, because you are not as dedicated of a friend as they are to you. Did you forget that was an option? Declining so they can make room for others on their list of potential invites? Be an adult who knows when to simply politely decline the invite.


And if you are getting married, don't let articles like the one discussed here get you down.  There are too many expectations for "proper" weddings without picking over these guest demands too. Make it the experience YOU want. If the classic wedding in a church and banquette hall is what you like, then that's great for you. If you want a vacation wedding on a beach, where the photography is done with a camera app on guests' phones, the music is shuffled on an ipod, and the bartender is the grocery store liquor section... that's cool too. Have the setting, music, food, and everything else you want. Let "Fido" bark down the aisle.  Drink or don't drink, as you wish.

Never forget whether or not it's YOUR wedding day.

It's unfortunate how many people I won't be able to invite to my kick ass wedding someday, because by sharing or liking the article I picked apart here, they clearly don't want to participate.  Their loss I suppose, but I hope they remember when the day comes that it was their choice.

International What Day?

I saw a lot of people criticizing "international women's day" this year. Some of them, women themselves. Most of them men. Let me start by saying this, you have a right to your opinion and I respect if you don't want to celebrate. However, knocking others observing the day is a little cringe worthy for me, and here is why.

1. The main complaint I heard was in the name of "equality." Or more pointedly, "Pffft, international women's day? That's dumb! When is international men's day?" This complaint is mostly about, if women don't want to be treated as "special" or "different, they need to stop demanding special treatment. But to all this I would have to respond: International Women's day was on March 8th, 2017 (this year.) International Men's Day is November 19th. Thanks for playing. And yes, I agree, if men can have an international day celebrating the extraordinary accomplishment of having a penis, then I guess in equality's name, we should have one for the counterpart vagina. 2. Having a "day" doesn't accomplish anything useful.

You're not wrong. It is a pretty useless thing to just name a day in recognition of something and expect ALL of the problems facing that thing to just float away. February 4th is World Cancer Day, and yet, we still have cancer in the world. Guess that didn't solve much, huh? But who's to say? I mean, this does kind of give a time and place to set aside a few thoughts and maybe even a couple of dollars to research in combating cancer. Just like International Women's day kind of organized a time and encouraged a little bravery for the women of the world to voice opinions to newspapers, employers, legislators, etc. about oppressions that go unnoticed, equal pay, or reproductive health rights. Many times this day is used for women working at unfair wages or without recognition to go on strike to fight for the women in their company. 3. Having a "day" belittles women. It shouldn't be just one day but "always."

I'm not sure what this complaint is exactly. I mean, yes, I agree that women should be appreciated just as much as anyone else in the world. There are many degrees to a spectrum for gender and sexuality, and each and every person, no matter their alignment on that spectrum should be treated as anything less than a person. Plain and simple. But "not" having a day? Come on. Turning a nose up at being given a day goes back to the equality thing. You can't want equality and then whine a stomp your feet when something is given to you. Imagine a room full of children being given candy. and when a child is missed they demand that it isn't fair that they didn't get what everyone else got. So, the adult hands them a piece of candy at the realization that the child was overlooked. Chances are, realizing that mistake is going to inspire the adult to pay closer attention next time to make sure no child is left out again, especially this child. But then the child complains that the candy isn't the flavor they wanted. They wanted the blue piece, not the orange. Well. Now they get nothing because the adult in charge of the candy is upset now for their efforts in remedying things not being good enough for the child. (Before you read too much into this metaphor I'm not trying to compare women to petulant children, or to paint men as the "adults." If anything "society at large" is the "adult" in this scenario, and behaving petty as well.) Problem is, this is a step backward for everyone. So I want to enlighten others to another way of thinking about "days." We have a National Doughnut Day, June 8th We have a National Talk like a Pirate Day, September 19th We have a National "Color" day, October 22nd I'll repeat that, we have a day set aside in the calendar to recognize that color exists. Now as an artist I am a huge fan of color. I like that it exists. But I'm pretty sure most of the world is already aware of the existence of color. I'm pretty sure having a day for it isn't accomplishing anything more or less than having a day set aside for recognizing being female or male. Pretty sure we would all survive if we didn't designate a day to recognize pirates or doughnuts too. But no one is getting up in arms about eliminating these days. Why? Because they are pretty harmless to just be left alone, right where they are, wouldn't you say? But what does it say about our society when we have no problem allowing people to celebrate, "We Love Broccoli Day" (Today March 22nd 2017, yes it's real) but throw tantrums about people who are observing International Women's Day? Are women not as worthy of having a day marked on the calendar as Men, Doughnuts, Pirate Vocabulary, Pallets of Color, Lefthanders, Broccoli, Fried Chicken, "Sauntering," and more? Yes, some of those are pretty great and deserve a little recognition. I just think women are too. And while I may not recognize every "Day" on the list, I'm not going to sit here and lecture others for making the effort to celebrate something silly. We need a little more silliness in the world. And putting others down for an effort to raise awareness, raise funds, make change, or just to be a little silly at times... well that would be foolish.

The Unfriend Zone

Many tensions are high right now, and like many out there I felt a need to unfriend people who voted for Trump.  This does not mean I don’t love these people or don’t wish them well.  I’m just as afraid for many of them and the safety of their families as I am for my own and putting them in the unfriend zone hurt me more than I can express.  So if it hurt me to do so, why did I do it? Well, put simply, I did not unfriend you because you voted for Trump, but to protect myself and other loved ones.

Let’s start off with the number one presumption and accusation.  “All Trump supporters are, racist, xenophobic, bigoted, evil, (insert the negative adjective here.)”  No. Some are, some aren’t. To overgeneralize everyone who voted for Trump as (any one of) these things is the same as thinking all Mexicans are thieves and rapists, or all Muslims are terrorists.  This irony has not been lost on me.  No, I do not think all Trump supporters are (again insert discordant adjective,) just like I can’t think all Muslims are terrorists. In fact, leading up to the election I even went around making sure people understood this about Trump supporters. My ENTIRE family voted for the man and that gave me some insights and opportunities to sit down with people and find out why they would vote for him if they aren’t racist etc.? There are reasons, if we haven’t had the chance to talk about that yet I apologize as this is not the time. This post is about why I would defend Trump supporters one day and unfriend them the next.

Trump is the adult version of the prom King. The high school leader of the In-Crowd, who not only sits at the cool kids’ table but is seen as the one running the show.  Is he a bully?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  You’ve never seen him do any physical harm to another personally. And maybe the only reason he says some of the outlandish things he says is because, for whatever reason, he feels a need to impress some of the people who sit at his table. That’s just business. He needs those votes for prom king after all, and you’re okay with that because you understand this political move. And hey, as long as you’re sitting at his table, he may let you have some of the pizza he ordered and invite you to his kegger that weekend. Good times are in store for you personally, and that’s what you need to focus on during these tough times. You’re just doing what’s right for you.  Yeah, yeah, you know he egged on a couple of the others at the table to not let that “homo” from glee club get to his locker after 5^th period, but that’s not your business.  You personally don’t have anything against gay people. In fact, you secretly can’t stand those two that gave that kid a swirly. But who are you to say anything to the prom king about reeling in those others at the table?  The prom king is your friend. Your compadre.  He’s still got your vote and are those other lackeys really his problem?  Nah.

But they are. And for many, that’s exactly what those protests are about. They aren’t just people whining that they didn’t get their way. (And before you argue realize that if you want the benefit of the doubt given to you, you must extend it as well. Don’t condemn others and then whine about being condemned as a racist yourself.) Silence is a form of approval. If you don’t speak up and say “hey, you’re my friend, but that’s not okay. Please stop, it bothers me when you say racist stuff,” you’re going to be seen as someone who is perfectly in alignment with those views. Those “friends” of yours are never going to have a reason to stop giving swirlies to the gay kids, or throwing spit wads at the kids who are black, or chanting about deportation at the kids with parents from Mexico, or tripping the kids with disabilities. You KNOW this. This is the same reason why so many of you have been shouting from the rooftops that all the Muslim leaders and communities have to publicly chastise those who are doing violence in the world.

Problem is, most of you haven’t even been saying, “Okay that’s far enough. Reel it in, Trump.”  Most of you have not been telling Trump, now that it’s over, to start turning things around. And that is scary, not only for myself, but for MANY that I love. So yes, it’s likely that you were unfriended to protect myself and my other loved ones, because honestly I’m not sure I know who you are anymore or that I can really trust you. I have reason to question it.  As someone who works with students with disabilities. As someone who has many friends who are either black, Muslim, Latino, or gay or trans. Not only do I feel I’m at risk, but that my friends are. This is a very slippery slope we are on as a nation. And I am not required to give you access to my facebook, my friends list, and other information, that could potentially lead others to myself or my friends to be a victim of a hate crime.  Because yes, you may not be a bigot, but I don’t know who is sitting at your table and can overhear things. If that bully can see me post something they don’t agree with because you “liked,” “reacted” to, or commented on it… now they can identify me.  Now they can raise a stink about me working in a school with their kids.  Now a racist or xenophobe may be able to know where all my friends who practice Wicca are, or when I’m planning to meet a friend who happens to be black for drinks.  I will not put myself or others in jeopardy like that.

Now I have gotten a lot of interesting reactions to this.  People think I’m being childish, or overreacting, or that I’m unfriending people because I don’t like that they don’t agree with me 100%. That’s not the case anymore than it’s the case that 100% of Trump supporters are racists.

What I would like people to know and remember about me is, when I was in school I was kind of the leader of the misfits.  I had friends who were in wheelchairs, or socially awkward, or who was the only outed gay kid on the playground.  I tried my very best to rise up and defend them whenever I could. And what did it get me? Relentless teasing. Books thrown at my head from the second story stairwell. And when my mother found out that her favorite of my friends, whom she even called “son,” was gay, he was suddenly no longer welcome in our home.  People stood by and let it all happen, when it could have been stopped with just a little speaking up for kindness. Now tell me how I’m overreacting when my life experience and history identifies all of this as happening again.

So, no, you are not the one throwing the books at my head. Not yet. But you aren’t stepping up to stop it from happening either. Not yet, and honestly I have very little reason to trust you to do so at this point. Here’s why:

1. A great deal of trust has been betrayed.  Most of my friends have claimed to want to be defenders of the environment, and rights of all people, not just themselves. But have voted for someone who is appointing a climate change skeptic as leader of the EPA and have promised to sign an act that will allow people discriminate against others based on their religious views. That’s right, in case it escaped your attention, Trump has promised to make it legal to be prejudiced against a person based on a religious view and make it so that the government can’t punish someone for telling me that because I’m divorced (and they don’t believe in divorce) that I can’t work for them, or live in an apartment I apply for, etc. (https://www.congress.gov/bill/114th-congress/house-bill/2802/text)  And the fact that the words in this legislation are “or ACTS in accordance with beliefs,” How long will it be before women are stoned because the old testament says she cannot divorce her husband but has slept with another man?  Or a man is beaten in the street for loving another man.  Or “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,” (Exodus 22:18) remember that classic? Please, tell me again how I’m overreacting and shouldn’t be afraid.

2.  All of Trump’s talk about the “media” lying and urging people to cancel subscriptions to anything that says anything REMOTELY negative or critical about him (whether true or not.) He has banned newspapers from covering his campaign simply for having a headline he didn’t like. I’m a writer. You are supporting censorship, and that scares me more than anything I can possibly express.  One day very soon I could face some very serious consequences for writing things people don’t agree with if our first amendment continues to be demolished this way.

3.  One of the reasons the polls so inaccurately predicted Trumps victory is because so many felt they had to hide who they supported out of shame. Don't you feel that should say something about who you supported. The fact that you’ve only come out about it now that you feel validated by others who also feel like you should say even more. And now you may understand why those who were so vocal about hate may feel validated enough to actually act on it now.  It's what you're feeling but ten fold. So, no, just telling everyone you aren’t racist or a bigot isn’t going to convince people when you are sitting at the same table as them and doing nothing about it.  People now have reason to suspect that you merely have the decency to still feel some shame there in hiding at least that much.

In summation of that, many of my “unfriends” have claimed to be against abortion themselves, but told me that they think it’s every individual’s very personal decision that should be left between her and her doctor. I was okay that with that.  Many said even though they personally feel it’s a sin, they support the LGBTQ community and think they should be protected and feel safe as American citizens as that’s their right. I was okay with that too.  They said they are all for protecting the environment.  They said they respect women and would never tolerate listening to a person disrespect a woman so vulgarly because chivalry isn’t dead… But no matter how you want to spin it, at the end of the day, they voted in a way that proved the opposite of these things they said to me, and I feel like I don’t even know them anymore.  And if after years of friendship these people couldn’t be honest with me, why would I want to continue that toxic of a relationship?

If you’re standing up for your religious and ethical beliefs or principles by voting for Trump, that’s fine.  So am I by removing you from my friends list.  And I’m sorry to say.  You don’t get to criticize me for doing the same thing you’re doing.  Because the thing is, after all that, how can I believe you?  How can I trust you?  How can I feel like when people like the KKK come for me because they don’t view me as a “real” Christian, and I have friends who are black, gay, have had to have an abortion, or because I own a tarot deck… How can I trust that you’ll help me and not just say, “well, that sucks for you but I can’t get involved because I have to think of the safety of my family.”  And yes, of course you do. But can I even trust you to not say, “hey, I know where you can find her” to really assure your own safety?

So no.  I haven’t unfriended you because I don’t agree with your politics.  I just unfortunately feel a need to protect myself from everything you voted against—everything that makes me… well, me. Against my home, my job, my health, my well-being.  You voted for a person who has put those things at risk because it meant it was what was best for you. I forgive you for doing that, but understand that unfriending you now is what is best for me and the rest of my friends who I feel compelled to protect. You have an entire government sworn to protect you now (at a cost to me.)  I simply must take that action upon myself by refusing access. By making my voice heard that this is not okay. And I know you feel like I am the one that is making us enemies here, but that's where we must simply agree to disagree.

Be well, be safe, be happy, my "unfriends."  I'm just as worried for you in these coming days.



UPDATE:  I have already encountered "I'm paranoid" responses.  Well, as someone who has already lost jobs for sticking up for coworkers of various ethnicities, been blackmailed by a pastor, and had family shun me and give me an entire collection of Bibles in hopes to "reach" me...  forgive me if I'm of the persuasion that it is better to hopefully just be paranoid and safe, than it is to be foolishly trusting and sorry.

Swagbucks Updated

So the Swagbucks site recently updated and that has caused a lot of pandemonia for many who have been using the site.  In other words, many seem to be experiencing this:





But change, especially THIS change, is nothing to be that concerned about.  Most things are still on the site, and work exactly as they had before.  The only things that are really that different are the layouts and how to earn with watching videos.  So here are all the ins and outs of the NEW face of Swagbucks (as well as the old) and how I earn about $75+ a month.

TIPS AND TRICKS

It took me a long time to figure out the ins and outs of the site on my own.  And there's still more to learn!  But these are some basics that will send you on your way and a step ahead of the rest.

The best/fastest ways I find I earn are...

1. Video Playlists in the "watch" tab

      This is found to the left on your homescreen under "EARN"

      -Every set of videos you watch will give you 1-3 swag bucks (depending on the length of the set.)
      -You don't have to watch each of the videos in full.  You can either click on a set and let it autoplay and complete the list itself, or you can keep an eye on the tab and click to the next video in the set a little faster.
      -Either way, Multitask while doing this!  Open a new tab for the other tasks that follow, and splitting screens also helps.  Don't waste the time these videos are playing.  Complete other tasks in the meantime!

       -Come back to this tab at the end of the last video to select a new playset.

2.  Play/Games

        Again, this is found to the left on your homescreen under "EARN"

             -Find the game called "Swag Jump."  You will be awarded 2 swagbucks for every second game you play no matter how high or low you score.  Just grab about five icons in the game and you'll be good.      -Swagjump is the fastest that you can play and "lose on purpose" without consequences.  Ie. you still earn.      -There's a limit of 10 swagbucks per day for games. (In other words, 10 games earn 10 SB.)      -It helps to let the game "rest" between rounds.  Give the computer about 20 seconds or so before starting the next game so it knows that you completed the last round and thus should be credited the next.  I've found if you play too many too fast the computer will think you're still on your first round.

3.   Search 
      (located at the top of your homepage, in the box that says "web" and has light gray lettering "search the web &earn SB.")  

   
      -It's just like you do with Google search.  I usually sit back and just type in random words in the Swagbuck Search Bar. It doesn't matter what you type in to search.  It all works the same.      -Every so often it will reward me with anywhere from 5 to 30 swagbucks.  Since the update I've been getting 12-15 SB pretty consistently.  

      -SUPER easy but to make sure I don't go "too fast" or disqualify myself from the service I usually only let myself win once per day and give it a few seconds between each search.  (though I think they allow up to 3 wins per day?)


4.   "Most Popular Ways to Earn" is at the top of the main section of the home page.  

      -Here you will find 3 amazingly simple ways to earn.  NGAGE, JUNGROUP, or DISCOVER/Watch and Earn.  In short... look for these guys:

      -I keep these ways to earn up on half of the screen with the "watch" videos open on the other half.  Resize the windows to whatever fits your needs.  You can pretty much hide the secondary windows (the windows that pop up after clicking next, altogether.)  Just make those as small as you can on the screen so they don't annoy you. My desktop usually is laid out like this:

And while I'm sure this looks overwhelming at first, it's REALLY simple after you make an attempt the first time or two.  Then I sit back, watch tv or play a video game, and just wait for the buttons to turn green to click "Next" and earn effortlessly.
      -You will either have to sample watch a few seconds of each video, or one commercial then click it to "interact" with an add to earn 2-3 swagbucks.  This can make your earnings add up SUPER FAST when your doing all the tasks at once!

5    Swag CODES

      -There is a little "gear" icon at the top of your homepage where you enter it for free swagbucks.  (Usually 3 or 4 each code.)
      -Sometimes codes are exclusive to certain countries, and some can only be redeemed through the mobile app, or the toolbar extension.  But really a swag code is the easiest way to grab some pennies.  Just copy and paste.
      -I find my swag codes through http://sbcodez.com/  as it tells you where to enter it, who can redeem it, and when it expires.


6    Shop.
      -If you're going to shop at Kohls.com, Walmart.com, Bestbuy.com, Hotels.com.... etc.  You get cash back by letting Swagbucks refer you to those sites.
      -Installing the swagbucks toolbar extension for your browser helps to never miss one of these cash back opportunities too.  Nearly everytime I visit a site that qualifies it asks me if I want to activate swagbucks shop and earn rewards before purchasing!  YAY!



7    SMARTPHONE TV APPS      (after downloading to your phone just sign in with your swagbucks sign in info.  It automatically connects it to reward you.)

     SBMobile TV app

          -REALLY fast (use the skip feature) to earn 2 swagbucks every 5 videos.
          -Unfortunately, this is only good if you have a smartphone with free wifi connection and has a limit of 36 swagbucks per day.

      EntertaiNow TV app
           -This is similar to EntertaiNow, but has a daily limit that can change from day to day.
           -A little slower, as you have to complete 14 videos instead of 5, but there are fewer commercials
           -Limit of 12 SB per day

     There's also LifeStylz TV app and Sportly...  and...  really there are a lot.  You could probably earn your daily goal easily off these alone!


8    Special Offers
     Again to the left of the screen there will be a tab that says "Discover" under "Earn"

     -Here is where you'll find a lot of videos and slideshows that are worth a swagbuck or two just for clicking on them.  EASY BUCKS!!!  (I like the "Radium One" tab in this feature.)  You want to pay attention to the details of how to earn on each one before clicking though.  Look for things that say "slideshow" or "video" in them.
      -The easiest earnings come from the videos, slideshows, and quizzes designed to help you "learn" about diabetes, or MS, or ADHD, or....  whatever.  They're paid for by the pharmaceutical companies that run adds on those "educational"       -While yes, there are other "better paying" offers here too PROCEED WITH CAUTION.  I really can't stress that you shouldn't fall into that trap, enough.     -Remember never enter a telephone number or credit card number unless REALLY MEANING TO.  Even for "trial offers"  They usually don't cancel on their own and you'll get a bunch of telemarketers calling your number if you aren't careful.  Just remember this is not Swagbucks collecting that info, but the advertisers Hiring Swagbucks to connect them to you.




OTHER IMPORTANT TIDBITS for earning:

    -Pay attention to your "daily goal" meter at the top of the homepage.  (Hover the mouse over it and it will reveal what your goal is for the day and track your progress towards it.)
          *This is where the REAL bucks come in. If you meet your goal every day for 7 days, you will not only get your daily bonus but a winning streak bonus too.
          *Bonuses are credited to your account on the 5th of every month.  So anything you earn the rest of this month will be credited by or on the 5th of next.

              *You only need to reach your first goal to have it count towards your winning streak, BUT, I recommend going for the second amount.  The more you win the higher the goal becomes, and the higher the goal becomes the more your bonus will be.  For a while I was at a second rung goal of 230 swagbucks a day, and that got me an extra 25 swagbucks a day.  Doing the math, that was a bonus of 750 swagbucks a month, not counting winning streak.
           *Completing winning streaks are important.
                  7 days= 25sb
                14 days= 100sb
                21 days= 200sb
         a full month= 300sb

   -Stay away from the surveys!  They are often pointless, really long, and usually "disqualify you" at the last second anyway.  SUPER FRUSTRATING!  This is the biggest complaint people have on this site.

    
    -Watch for CONTESTS.  (Usually seen as an icon at the top left of your home screen.)
          *You have to "sign up" or agree to be assigned a team.  But in one of the last contests I got a bonus 100 swagbucks for being on the LOSING team. (The winning team got 500 I think.)

    -NEVER ENTER CREDIT CARD info!----unless you're really meaning to buy something through the "Shop and Earn" feature.  (I stay away from all the "special offers" things, as they can be very spammy.)  Don't waste the money you're earning buy signing up for useless services!

    -Redeeming for gift cards can seem tricky the first time and takes about a week to credit, so it's natural to be nervous.  But just give them time to "process" your request.  You'll get your money!  And I will help you with all of that when you get there too!

some FAQ

How do you get paid?: 
 In "gift cards," or so they're called.  But I usually select the PayPal gift card option, which deposits to my bank account after verifying with PayPal.  It takes about 10 days for this processing to go through but it's never failed me yet.

Is it a scam?:
No, I have been paid every time I've requested my rewards and I've been doing this for a couple years now.  (But you do have to be patient for processing sometimes.  Remember they have THOUSANDS of prizes to process every day.)

How can they afford to pay people?: 
Think of it this way--Have you noticed all the ads on facebook lately?  Do you realize how much money Facebook is making off of that?  Well, Swagbucks is a lot like Facebook, but without "friends" (or as much drama.)  It's a social hub that advertisers are paying for space on, and Swagbucks is giving you a cut of that money as a reward for clicking on links, or shopping at certain stores.  Swagbucks isn't really paying you, the advertisers are!

Do I have to enter a credit card or anything like that?: 
 NO!  AND DON'T EVER DO THAT!  (See sections about Special Offers and Shopping)

How much are Swagbucks "worth?":
Every 100 Swagbucks is about 1 dollar.  So it's a slow build, but think of it like putting change in a piggy bank every day.  It adds up FAST.  I average $75 a month.  (That's an extra $900 a year for doing practically nothing!)

How do I sign up?: 
Easy.  You can even connect it to your facebook account so you don't have a pesky login screen to type in each time.  But if you could do my a HUGE favor, let me refer you!  It will help us BOTH out in the long run.  (Referrals earn 1 cent for every 10 cents you make outside of bonuses and similar earnings.)  All it takes is you signing up via this link:  www.swagbucks.com/refer/Katartr53190ive


If you have more questions please leave them as comments.  My referrals will have priority in Q&A of course.