Dreams... The word can have so many different contexts.
There are the kind of dreams you have when you are in a peaceful slumber. There are the illusions and fantasies of winning lotteries and escaping to private tropical islands, even if we don't play the lottery. And then there are the dreams we work at. The ones that we are told if we are a good person, dedicated, and determined, they are achievable. This is the future we see for ourselves. The one that is supposed to be possible when applying oneself.
I have a tattoo on my back. It is the kanji character for dream. A reminder to myself to never turn my back on my dreams again. Something I did once for love. I gave up on so much I wanted out of life, in such a little by little way that I didn't even realize I was doing it. And ever doing that again, terrified me. I got that tattoo as going to Japan was a fervent dream of mine. And with enough hard work and dedication, I enrolled back in college once able, learned as much of the language as I was able, and applied for an internship.
I am no stranger to doing what it takes to make my dreams come true.
Last night's dreams, were unfortunate. Because, like it or not, they are closely tied to what I once dreamed for my future, when I was a child. When I was young, family meant the world to me. There was no better time of year than the holidays. So much so, that I would get beyond overexcited about the prospect of seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, almost ruining the possibility because I would end up throwing up some years. I LOVED everyone just so damn much. I'm not going to say that ever changed. I probably love them just as much as I ever once did. But I had to let them go.
Last night I had a series of dreams, that involved my mother, my grandparents house, farming in the back field that my grandfather reserved for corn, and rats... a lot of rats. And dead puppies, and... let's just surmise it with they weren't good dreams...
It was a series of dreams I knew were coming ever since finding out last week that someone gave my mother access to information about me again. Someone told her about my Etsy store, so she created an Etsy profile, under her REAL name, not trying to hide it whatsoever, and when to my store to like a bunch of my paintings...
I understand this doesn't sound like such a big deal to many. And hardly worth getting upset about. Something that many don't understand why I would have nightmares about. But, today, I've been in tears. As in, hysterical, ugly crying, with my dog very confused and pressing tight to me, trying to protect me from whatever unseen force was attacking me, tears. And I feel I must try and explain what exactly it is that has caused such a volatile reaction to help people understand what it is I go through each and every time someone tries to give her some lifeline to connecting with me.
It goes without saying that the relationship with my biological mother has been very strained for a great number of years. But really, that's irrelevant. There are things that have happened between her and I that I will never talk about, and shouldn't have to. Things many would consider "unforgivable." But really, it isn't even that I don't forgive her those acts. It's fine. She's a messed up person, and I don't know if it's the MS or some psychological illness from before it... but all I know is she has continued to hurt me no matter how many "second chances" I've given her. So I had to go.
What people often don't understand is what sacrifices had to be made in order to do so.
Think about it like an alcoholic giving up alcohol--sorry, I know it isn't a perfect metaphor, but it's as close as I can make understandable. It isn't just drinking the person would be giving up. It's an entire lifestyle. You need to find a support system. You will likely not be able to hang out at the usual haunts. Avoiding friends who are pressuring you with that "oh come on, one drink won't hurt."
Severing ties with my mother meant losing friendships with over 20 cousins, the brothers that I raised, 6 aunts/uncles and their spouses, my grandmother who raised me more than my biological mother ever did... never meeting my nephew... As much as I dreamed as a child of being surrounded by family, warmth and happiness in my adult years, I have sacrificed family gatherings, weddings, even funerals, to avoid this toxic person. (As well as to prevent functions being ruined because of any scene she might make if I refuse to speak to her at such events.) This was not something easily decided. I traded my dream of love and family for the dream of protecting myself.
And every time someone shares a new way with my mother how to find me, how to get to me, how to potentially hurt me again... that person is doing SO MUCH MORE than just exposing me to that toxicity again. They are perpetuating that this nightmare is indeed endless. They are nullifying every painful sacrifice I've made in order to avoid her. They are making the missed weddings and funerals a wasted sacrifice.
They are giving me dreams about dead puppies and rats in the house I grew up in.
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