In The Face of Pandemic, Part 2... Or, Schooling and Things You Didn't Know About Me.

School, Parenting, And A Disruptive Childhood


I write this in the midst of a major pandemic, otherwise known as the Covid 19 outbreak.  ..God I hope "which" pandemic doesn't need to be clarified someday.  Anyway, while life is rebounding and getting on its merry way in other countries, the United States (and a few others) have just completely botched it. And now, people are turning on each other. And yes, I suppose I'm one of them. Because I've been sitting here saying certain things aren't worth the risk of your loved ones' health and well being, and you're an idiot if you think those things are.  ...Call me a monster if you like.

Basically, this comes after a post I made to social media yesterday where I basically said, if the only reason you're sending your kids back to school right now is because you need a break from your kids, you're a bad parent.  And yes, I firmly stand by that.  Risking your child's and everyone in contact with your child's life, is not worth you having a glass of wine at three in the afternoon.  If you have so little control over your children that you cannot set boundaries to have a moment of free time, you are bad at managing your children.

Sorry, not sorry.

"But... But.... You don't have any children, where do you get off???"

You're right. So excuse me. Apparently this is my stop.

I don't talk about my past in much detail. Especially with new people in my life, because... Well. It's dark, and awkward, and after the years rolled on I found it was better to have people only know the superficial surface facts about me. Rather than get into the gory guts of my childhood.

My mother, wasn't much of a mother.  I wasn't a great substitution either, but hey, I did my best for not having much of a roll model to mimic. I remember the first time I was left alone with my baby brothers for an extended and unexpected period of time, and just didn't know WHAT the hell to do.  I had just turned 12, was in the early months 7th grade. They were 3 and 2.  Hours went by, the sun had set. Cell phones weren't a thing. Dinner time had come and gone. I was hungry. They were cranky with hunger... I could barely cook.  I eventually improvised making some mac and cheese with a chunk of cheese I found in the fridge, shaking at the stove worried I was going to screw it up and poison us, or burn myself, or something would happen to the baby while I was away from them cooking...  But I did it, ate, and both of the toddlers seemed fine by time our parents came home.  Little did I know this was just the beginning.

By 8th grade, I was so exhausted.  My mom left me in charge of my brothers more often than I could possibly say. I would watch them, most days after school, clean up their toys/room, and then about once or twice a week, I would go next door to the neighbors to watch THEIR kids after my brothers got ready for bed. Usually ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.  And usually from about 8 or 9 pm until 1 or 2 in the morning...  No time for homework.

And somehow, by the end of the week, my mother would always claim to be broke and need money to get dinner.  So the twenty dollars I earned went to her, but instead of buying sensible things like chicken, eggs, and rice... she blew it on McDonald's Happy Meals for my brothers, because she didn't want to cook.  Sometimes she would pay me back. Sometimes she would lecture me about how it was my responsibility to "contribute" to the household. ...Again, I was 13...

This lasted until 14, when on Christmas Eve, our parents left us alone to go get our traditional Chinese food dinner from our favorite place about 45 minutes away.  It was mac and cheese night all over again...  Except... They never made it home this time.  I was alone. Watching the clock tic well past dinner time. Until I got a phone call that there had been an accident. A bad accident. And I left my brothers playing downstairs, and allowed myself to cry for five minutes. Not for my parents, but out of panic, and terror.  I didn't know the first thing about where "Santa" had the presents for my brothers. I had nothing to feed them other than some breakfast sausage and pancake sticks.  I didn't know how I was supposed to do everything my mother always left until the last minute. But I pulled myself together, fed them, let them each open the Hot Wheels cars I got them for Christmas, and put them to bed.  Reinforcements AKA Grandma, didn't get there until 2 am, when she insisted I go to bed and let her handle the rest.

If you thought my burdens BEFORE the accident were bad... You can only imagine what came after. High school was a joke.  More and more money was funneled to my family to keep us "afloat" and the only me time I got???  I would lie to my parents about having to stay late at school, and just sit for an hour on the front lawn, enjoying the quiet, and doing homework before going home to take care of things.

At night, I was the one my brothers would come to when they had bad dreams. The one to clean up wet beds, after I would hear my mother raging about the mess, and the little one's crying in response to her raging.

Being a parent wasn't something I wanted to do. Putting food on the table wasn't supposed to be my responsibility.  Soothing away nightmares, and keeping kids entertained, bathed, and safe, wasn't something I was prepared for.  And yes, I WAS BAD AT IT AT TIMES.  Even great parents make mistakes, let alone 15 or 16 year old big sisters...  But I was, a provider, a protector, a nurturer, and sacrificed A LOT of my own childhood to be so.  In the end, no one can say I wasn't a "parent."


WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE PANDEMIC AGAIN???

In light of the pandemic, I am being a bit vocal about NOT sending kids to school. And people are coming down on me hard for it. Especially for "not being a parent" to which I would say, "read the above paragraph again." But really that's fine. People can have their opinion of me just as I can have an opinion of them.  I should add here though, that I was also a teacher once. And know what you are getting your kids into.  I am vocal because I am trying to protect you and your families.

Think of all the pencils you send your kid to school with, that "go missing" and you have to write names on, and are STILL never recovered.  All of the mittens you sew into jacket sleeves but still get "misplaced."  You don't think that kids are going to accidentally "lose" or "trade" masks?  You don't think some little boys and girls won't forget to wash hands for a full 20 seconds each after using the bathroom?  You don't think bullies will suddenly stop pushing kids, or knocking books out of hands, or spitting on others, because it violates social distancing? You don't think after seeing how dumb full grown adults have been about wearing masks and social distancing, that kids are going to be completely obedient?

I KNOW there are challenges to teaching and learning virtually.  I KNOW it isn't great for a lot of parents and students with things like having to work, or having learning disabilities.  I KNOW there are consequences where some students may even have to stay behind a year, and miss graduating with friends.  But I also know that social distancing will mean more of those friends will be ALIVE to graduate.  More of those friends WON'T lose parents, or have parents severely debilitated due to illness, making life a living hell.  Believe me, as someone who lived through my parents being TERRIBLY ill after their accident and having to pick up all of the slack, I wouldn't wish that on ANY child.

Life unfortunately isn't fair. I can attest to that.  Yes it sucks. Yes it is okay to be angry about this.  But don't get angry with me for contributing my input, experiences, and lessons learned in life about how poorly some of you are handling this.  IT IS NOT SAFE TO REOPEN SCHOOL BUILDINGS. And all of the experts are saying the same thing! And it is easier to problem solve the obstacles of virtual learning than it is to solve the problem of huge spikes as a result of the further pandemic spread.



PROBLEM SOLVING THE BIG OBSTACLES OR REASONS AGAINST ONLINE SCHOOLING

1.
I'm not a teacher.

No one is asking you to teach.  Parents are only being asked to enforce that kids are logging in, watching the videos, and completing the assignments. If you child doesn't understand an assignment, they should be helped in writing a two sentence email to their teacher asking for more help, or saying why they don't understand.

2.
I have to work, can't be home with the kids and don't have family to take care of them.

I'm upset about this too. The government should have stepped up WAY more than it should have for those who "need" to work just to provide for families. But some are essential workers like grocery clerks, and so forth and would have to work anyway.

Propose to your school board that a "student care exchange" sign up sheet is set up.  You put down your availability to take a "partner" home on, and are matched.  For example, House A can care for kids Monday and Thursdays. House B can care for kids Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  And yes, if one household is infected, the other will have to isolate, but at least households C D E and F and the teacher weren't exposed like they would have been in the classroom.

Those who wish to participate should also sign a promise to follow CDC guidelines on social distancing, masks, and hygiene and take other precautions.

3.
Part of school is about socialization.

First off. Socialization is hard, when social distancing is imperative.  The faster we get the pandemic under control the faster your child can return to socializing. But until then, also see the solution for number 2.

I agree that socialization is an important part of development. Particularly problem solving social interactions. So be prepared to work things through with your kids if there is a conflict with the other household. Be a good parent and set an example of proper socializing if people don't like each other, or the kids get in a fight.  Don't talk poorly of the other household EVER.  And help your child find ways to get along with the other children. Again, Life isn't FAIR. You may get paired with people who you don't like right away.  But guess what? Car accidents aren't fair. Pandemics aren't fair. Cancer isn't fair.  But we can separate out the difference between inconvenience or discomfort and total tragedy.  Ask the school to help with this as well if there is conflict. Not to reassign, but to work out differences.

4.
Special Need Students.

Yep. I get it. I was a Special Needs Tutor, Aide, and focused on spec ed classes as a substitute teacher.  Some NEED in person instruction.  

For this, I recommend school buildings ARE open.  I KNOW! RIGHT???  But, with the majority of students learning at home, we have thinned out the stress on the schools resources and we could have shortened days or weeks, depending on the needs.and classes.

The thing I know ALL special needs children require is consistency.  Stress of change is a HUGE factor in learning for these children.  And I'm sorry to say, if we open schools for a month or two, see huge spikes resulting in having to immediately shut down again, not only will it be stressful for the teachers and administrations, it will be catastrophic for these students who JUST got used to a new routine again.  When I say school buildings should not be open, I AM thinking of these students. 


5.
Uneven access to virtual learning.

Schools did a great job last year getting things in place for virtual learning. Yes, it's hard, but that can be expanded upon now.  I know a number of "inner city" as well as "rural" teachers who told me some of their steps in getting computers to students to borrow.  Even food to students who are on lunch programs.  Schools are prepared for this contingency. And can now EXPAND on it now that we know where problems and complications are. 

Some areas are using buses equipped with WIFI to bring internet access to those in need.  Brilliant. Even if the local municipalities ask for funding to rent Charter buses for this, there is a solution.  But really, maybe be upset with the government for not funding access to an essential utility for modern life, instead of school building for not being open to protect you?  Just a suggestion.


6.
Unsafe Homes.

This one breaks my heart.  And there is no solution I can give that will not ruffle some feathers or cause more issues.  I'd like to say, if a home isn't safe enough to exist in during the length of a school day... It isn't safe enough to exist in at all... 

This one, stumps me. And I hope someone will comment on this post with solutions I haven't thought of.  Because clearly, number 2 won't cut it unless some angles out there would be willing to sign up to take on extra kids for the full week.


I end with number 6 because I want it end with the humble admission that I don't have all the answers.  NO ONE DOES. What's important is that we work together to find them instead of just thrusting our children onto teachers saying, "figure it out."  The government should be stepping up to help, and so should we all.  If you have any suggestion, or have another obstacle to distance learning that you aren't sure how to conquer, please comment below.  We can do this together.  We don't have to see children bring Covid home to their parents.  We don't have to see teachers get sick and die leaving schools shut down completely.  We can use the education, common sense, and skills we learned when WE were in school to be smarter than a microscopic adversary.

In the Face of a Pandemic Part 1 "Cleaning"

I know supplies feel like they are running low. I know many of you feel at risk concerning medical needs, accessibility, and so on. And I feel... this is what I've been training for.

Many of you know I've had my fair share of struggles in the past. So much to the point that I've basically had to learn to do everything for myself from scratch. I had been without healthcare or access to a doctor for well over a decade. I know how to make food rations last for weeks. I know how to stretch a dollar like a rubber band. I know how to keep entertained when you can't go out. And so on.

If you are struggling with something (from being out of bread during lock down to how to SAFELY treat a fever,) feel free to ask me. If I don't know I will simply tell you.

I will try to post various resources as things develop to help you all get through as well.

Here is a small tip to start: CLEANING

Many germs and viruses don't do well with UV light. Open your blinds, curtains, etc. Get NATURAL light into your homes along with your cleaning efforts. UV light is not enough just on it's own but will help. (Not to mention the access to sunlight will help you create important immune supporting vitamins as well as "happy" hormones. So you don't feel so overwhelmed.)

When disinfecting, things, make sure you allow ample "wet time" to be effective. Wiping surfaces down with a disinfectant, such as a bleach solution, is not enough. Depending on the type of disinfectant, it can take anywhere from 30 seconds to up to 6 minutes to kill germs.

A mild bleach solution is best for hard surfaces. Two tablespoons bleach for 4 cups water. Spray on a surface, and let it air dry. DO NOT DRY IT WITH A TOWEL! It needs to stay wet for about 60 seconds.
And a small warning: do not assume a stronger solution is better! Bleach fumes can damage lung tissue as it evaporates, and it is important to keep lungs healthy as possible right now, as corona virus causes damage and honey combing of lung tissue for some.

If you need to clean soft surfaces, such as a bed, couch fabric, or car seats, while not as effective as bleach white vinegar is best. It won't bleach or fade fabric, but will kill many germs as well as eliminate odors. It's also very affordable. A little will go a long way, so don't hoard it. (Side note: Also very effective at cleaning windows, environmentally friendly, and will decalcify things such as faucets for hard water stains.

I hope these three things give you a little more peace of mind during this time. Again, feel free to ask me questions on anything you are worried about. We are all better when we share what we have to offer.

Why Bernie is the Only One Who Can Win

I've been politically silent lately. Hell I've been silent in general lately. That has been on purpose. But I have to break some silence for a moment here, to explain why Bernie Sanders is the ONLY democrat at this point who stands any chance of winning against Donald Trump.

Now this is in direct contrast to what most of the media and political "experts" are going to tell you about the "math."  Well, in response to that, let me emphasize this point, when all of these "experts" promised us that Trump would NEVER win the first time, and "no one saw this coming," I did. I knew he was going to win and was warning every friend and professor I knew. (Unfortunately no one took me seriously.) Why did I know? Because I wasn't looking at just the math, but the nature of people. I wasn't looking at the polls, I was looking at the voters. And this is the same reason I know, without a doubt that Biden cannot win, but Bernie would.

WHY TRUMP WON AND WHY THE POLLS AND MATH ARE BULLSHIT

When Trump won, it came as a shock, because there was only a small handful of people who were truly passionate about voting for him. In other words, there was only a small handful that were honest in the polls when a potential voter was asked who they intended to cast their ballot for.

And as one by one, as all the other candidates dropped from the race, and the options grew scarce... Well.... What can we say other than we are a nation that vote for Letters, and not People. We cheer on political sports teams, and wave figurative foam fingers with giant Ds or Rs emblazoned on them in red white and blue...

I remember talking with family members over the phone and being asked who I was voting for, and hearing my grandmother in the background loudly declare "Well she already knows who we're voting for."  This made me sigh. My grandmother hated Trump. But, her tradition of voting for the R on the ticket would not let that stop her from voting for someone she hated.

For better or worse, this is human nature.


WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THIS ELECTION:

So far, the media and "experts" has been going on, at great length about how Joe Biden is the only candidate that can win, because he is a moderate. Because he is the only one that leans far enough to the right to pull a handful of republican voters over the line to vote for a democratic nominee. (Because that worked so well the last time?) No. Not going to happen. There are VERY few people who are comfortable enough to cross that line. Especially with the last four years of Trump telling the public that the democrats are evil. That the democrats don't want to play nice. That the democrats are holding things up. Etc. and so on. Republicans would rather die than vote for a democratic nominee at this point. Biden can't pull any significant numbers over. But what he can do is lose numbers that would otherwise vote.


THE VALUE OF YOUNG VOTERS:

If you ask any "expert" what target demographic is least likely to show up to vote, it's "young voters."

I cannot stress how key this demographic is. These are people who haven't necessarily chosen a "team" to support yet. These are people who want to feel EXCITED to participate.  And this makes up about 13% of the very necessary number to a democratic candidate's victory.

In 2016, there were many who didn't show up to vote in the general election for several reasons.

1. People were told that Hillary would beat the pants off Trump without even trying, and thought their vote wasn't necessary. (Because who in their right mind would vote for him?) 
2.  Young voters didn't feel heard by the DNC.  They felt betrayed by the team they had gotten hopes up to cheer for, and feel the nomination was "stolen" from Bernie.
3.  Trump started using a bunch of Bernie's rhetoric, and drew a few of those voters to his party. (Because remember young people vote for a person not a team yet.)

We need to learn from these mistakes and past experiences.

By supporting Biden, all that is happening is we are sweeping aside a large demographic of young voters who are idealistic and only going to vote for someone who excites them enough to get involved.  Do yourself a favor and go up to any teenager you know and ask them to tell you about each candidate (without using the internet.)  I promise you they will be able to tell you more about Sanders than Biden. I promise you, if anyone is going to get them to participate, it's Sanders not Biden.

If beating Trump is the ultimate goal, Sanders is the ONLY choice.  No one (or at least very very few) are going to switch teams as they age. Much like my grandmother who hated Trump but voted for him anyway, older Democratic voters WILL show up and vote for whoever is on the ticket, waving a big blue foam finger.  Those numbers are already guaranteed.  Get the young ones to show up, and the democratic party will be back in the White House.

Dreams, Dreams, and Dreams

Dreams... The word can have so many different contexts.

There are the kind of dreams you have when you are in a peaceful slumber. There are the illusions and fantasies of winning lotteries and escaping to private tropical islands, even if we don't play the lottery. And then there are the dreams we work at. The ones that we are told if we are a good person, dedicated, and determined, they are achievable. This is the future we see for ourselves. The one that is supposed to be possible when applying oneself.

I have a tattoo on my back. It is the kanji character for dream. A reminder to myself to never turn my back on my dreams again. Something I did once for love. I gave up on so much I wanted out of life, in such a little by little way that I didn't even realize I was doing it. And ever doing that again, terrified me. I got that tattoo as going to Japan was a fervent dream of mine. And with enough hard work and dedication, I enrolled back in college once able, learned as much of the language as I was able, and applied for an internship.

I am no stranger to doing what it takes to make my dreams come true.

Last night's dreams, were unfortunate. Because, like it or not, they are closely tied to what I once dreamed for my future, when I was a child. When I was young, family meant the world to me. There was no better time of year than the holidays. So much so, that I would get beyond overexcited about the prospect of seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, almost ruining the possibility because I would end up throwing up some years. I LOVED everyone just so damn much. I'm not going to say that ever changed. I probably love them just as much as I ever once did. But I had to let them go.

Last night I had a series of dreams, that involved my mother, my grandparents house, farming in the back field that my grandfather reserved for corn, and rats... a lot of rats. And dead puppies, and... let's just surmise it with they weren't good dreams...

It was a series of dreams I knew were coming ever since finding out last week that someone gave my mother access to information about me again.  Someone told her about my Etsy store, so she created an Etsy profile, under her REAL name, not trying to hide it whatsoever, and when to my store to like a bunch of my paintings...

I understand this doesn't sound like such a big deal to many. And hardly worth getting upset about. Something that many don't understand why I would have nightmares about. But, today, I've been in tears. As in, hysterical, ugly crying, with my dog very confused and pressing tight to me, trying to protect me from whatever unseen force was attacking me, tears. And I feel I must try and explain what exactly it is that has caused such a volatile reaction to help people understand what it is I go through each and every time someone tries to give her some lifeline to connecting with me.

It goes without saying that the relationship with my biological mother has been very strained for a great number of years. But really, that's irrelevant.  There are things that have happened between her and I that I will never talk about, and shouldn't have to. Things many would consider "unforgivable." But really, it isn't even that I don't forgive her those acts. It's fine. She's a messed up person, and I don't know if it's the MS or some psychological illness from before it... but all I know is she has continued to hurt me no matter how many "second chances" I've given her. So I had to go.

What people often don't understand is what sacrifices had to be made in order to do so.

Think about it like an alcoholic giving up alcohol--sorry, I know it isn't a perfect metaphor, but it's as close as I can make understandable.  It isn't just drinking the person would be giving up. It's an entire lifestyle. You need to find a support system. You will likely not be able to hang out at the usual haunts. Avoiding friends who are pressuring you with that "oh come on, one drink won't hurt."

Severing ties with my mother meant losing friendships with over 20 cousins, the brothers that I raised, 6 aunts/uncles and their spouses, my grandmother who raised me more than my biological mother ever did... never meeting my nephew... As much as I dreamed as a child of being surrounded by family, warmth and happiness in my adult years, I have sacrificed family gatherings, weddings, even funerals, to avoid this toxic person. (As well as to prevent functions being ruined because of any scene she might make if I refuse to speak to her at such events.)  This was not something easily decided. I traded my dream of love and family for the dream of protecting myself.

And every time someone shares a new way with my mother how to find me, how to get to me, how to potentially hurt me again... that person is doing SO MUCH MORE than just exposing me to that toxicity again. They are perpetuating that this nightmare is indeed endless. They are nullifying every painful sacrifice I've made in order to avoid her. They are making the missed weddings and funerals a wasted sacrifice.

They are giving me dreams about dead puppies and rats in the house I grew up in.

A New Site, a New Life?

Some of you who know likely already know that I am trying my hand at something new. A website dedicated to weddings that are affordable as well as amazing,
FrugallyYours.org

It's no secret that life hasn't been easy for me, financially speaking or otherwise. That's nothing to be ashamed about. I've worked hard all my life. So hard in fact that I've kinda destroyed myself in the process of working 2-3 jobs at a time to make ends meet throughout my 20's. Then put myself through college, and here I am, still pretty broke. And while I won't say that's okay, I can recognize most of the country is in the same boat.

Honestly, my last job fiasco was a bit more than a let down. I know I haven't said much about what happened, and there are reasons for that. But I'll summarize it as this, until I find the strength to explain in more detail. The women I was working with were nothing buy big bullies. One of whom actively tried to get me fired, and the child I was aiding kicked out of the school. When I realized the attitudes towards me were affecting the child, in all good conscience I had to remove myself from the equation. And time to take my financial future into my own hands and start my own business.

As I said, this is not the first time I've struggled. I've had more curves thrown at me than a catcher's mitt. But that means, out of necessity, I've had to learn how to do just about everything you can name for a bargain. Not only do I shop wisely, I make my own decorations for my home, can sew and repair clothes, how to cut and dye my own hair, how to fix my own car, and even how to throw an amazing party or travel for pennies on the dollar (we all need a break, after all.) It takes a lot of hard work to be this poor.

Honestly, I have an budget friendly alternative for just about everything you can imagine. And all of this knowledge I have rattling around in my brain has come to prove itself useful. VERY useful.

Why did I pick weddings for my website?

1. Because I love a good party and have a lot of knowledge on how to throw a really great one.
2. Because in the state things are, we need a little happiness in the world and love is the best happiness to be had. We shouldn't lose these celebrations due to not being able to afford them.
3. Because the wedding industry has gotten crazy out of control, and people are sacrificing financial futures to have one little party. (I don't want happy couples stressed over finances to the point of divorce.)
4. Because it would give me the room to cover so many topics that cross over into other arenas, from finding affordable renaissance fair outfits, to vacation tips.

So, check it out if you have the time. I guarantee you'll find something useful on it, in one category or another. Even if just for trivia night, as there are a lot of strange little facts I make sure to include. For example, who can officiate weddings in what states (some allow you to marry yourself to another person.) Or the fact that you can sue a wedding venue if a drunk driver hits you after leaving the reception, in some areas. Who knew?

Photogenic Problematic

I came across a post today on facebook about photographic consent and have some things to add to to it. The post was regarding this photo and message from Alok Vaid-Menon:

"This was a photo of me taken without my consent an hour ago.

I have people take photos of me every day but i never know where they end up. one of my supportive followers sent this to me & it’s the first time i have seen one of these. (this photo has since been reposted to @subwaycreatures story also without my consent).
It’s so surreal & scary to see this — it reminds me that i am constantly being watched, rendered into a spectacle for other people’s enjoyment & entertainment. people don’t ask me for consent because they read my gender non-conformity as already consenting to public consumption. the presumption here is because we have already seemingly transgressed normalcy/respectability, we do not have boundaries and are incapable of being violated.
This leaves gender non-conforming people like me disproportionately targeted for physical & sexual violence. when we say “i have been violated” we are victim blamed — told that we shouldn’t have “dressed up,” that we should expect this treatment for looking as we do.
I am here to tell you that no one — regardless of what they look like — should have their photo taken & shared without their consent. it is unacceptable & misogynist.
After this photo was snapped a white cis person told me that she liked “my costume.” when i boarded my train i had to go to a different car because i was being harassed by white cis people who wouldn’t leave me alone. i sat next to a white cis guy who got up and left the moment i sat next to him. this is my daily reality.
I want you to think about what happens to people like me inbetween the snapshots you see — how we are hunted, ridiculed, & put on exhibition for cis enjoyment. how i manage to still look so good despite being harassed & stalked & shoved & spat on & knowing that few people will defend me because i am not cis or white.
It’s terrifying when your joy is constantly policed — when you are made to fear your own beauty. they could have just asked for my permission. they could have just asked.
this photo will be seared in my mind forever.

instagram.com/alokvmenon

[yes people have permission to share this image with my caption now]"

It's here that I have to add my story and views to make it clear just how important it is to listen to what this person has to say about photo consent. BTW? In Japan this was a HUGE thing, and considered an ultimate rudeness to photograph others unless it couldn't be avoided (like in a crowded park where you're photographing a statue or something.) So here is why I will say it's important, regardless of gender:
This kind of behavior is nothing more than an adult version of grade school antics. Trying to look like the cool kid through a method of trying to knock others down. Picking on someone you see inferior, weird, or outcast, to gain more attention for yourself. And this awesome person is right. It makes it feel "more okay" for those listening to such drivel, to join in and pick on the person. But be warned. It is not okay. And some of us aren't afraid to tell you so. (In no uncertain terms.)
I remember my first semester back to college. I was taking a full schedule of classes, and working, and dealing with a cancer scare awaiting biopsy results, and taking care of my mother with MS on the weekends. In other words I was very tired and losing weight. So one day I sat down in my WOTA class, and kind of slumped forward on the desk surface of my chair.
This, regrettably, created a gap between my jeans and myself exposing my underwear band. I was later informed that 3 of the college students behind me were joking and laughing about it, and snapping photos of my underwear. (2 heterosexual females and 1 homosexual male, so it wasn't sexual gratification thing. Just a catty, bitchy, lowlife, bully thing.) I don't know where those photos ended up. I don't know if they put them on instagram, or snapchat, or what. I really don't care. I know the story behind that photo, that moment in my life. They don't.
Now I hope that others can see the photo at the start of this post through the same lens I do. I see a picture of a lot of boring and possibly sad people around one person who looks really awesome and potentially fun to get to know. I see a picture of someone living their life they way they want to live it, surrounded by a bunch of people who have simply bought into every lie about success and happiness they have been sold over the years. I see this, instead of how the person who snapped the photo intended the viewer to see someone to be mocked, and doesn't belong. Just as I hope instead of someone looking at the picture of my underwear band would see someone who is tired but trying. Exhausted but still attending classes. Instead of someone just being a slob.
But I will tell you this, as something of a warning. I'm one to speak my mind. Many of us outcasts and misfits are. (Especially come adulthood.) And boy-howdy, did those 3 college kids faces go white the next day as they looked like they tried to not piss their pants when I confronted them about taking those photos. They were embarrassed, scared, and no longer found anything about the situation humorous.
Moral of the story? Don't be a dick. Don't take pictures intended to embarrass others or gain attention for yourself while doing so. And make a rule of asking permission before taking a picture or at least posting it. It really isn't that hard to walk up to someone and say, "Hey, photography is something of a hobby of mine and I just thought you looked really interesting in this shot" (show them the photo you took) "But I wanted to ask your permission. Do you mind if I post it to my site? I'll delete it if you don't want me to. No problem."
If you are two embarrassed or afraid to ask that permission, that likely means, you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. It likely means you are feeling guilt. It likely means, you're scum.

Birthday? What Birthday?

I've been asked by a few people what I have planned for my birthday this year, and for good reason.

I usually use my birthday as an excuse to invite friends over and show them a good time.  This is usually a big night for s'mores, sometime sparklers and roman candles, or backyard camping... an adult slip-n-slide down the hill....  Just general fun, and not too much different from the many other little campfire nights I host, save an activity or two.

So a few have expressed concern over their missing invites this year. Not just for the birthday, but for the campfires and cookouts in general.  They are worried I'm upset with them, or depressed, or...

No need to worry.  I'm fine and I'm not angry with anyone.  I'm not for, or against, celebrating my birthday. That was never really the point of these gatherings in the first place.

Truth be told, I have a long list of reasons I haven't invited anyone over this year.

First, my ankle injury was a little more severe than we had hoped. I was stuck in bed keeping weight off it to let it heal for longer than I would like, and it still has been giving me grief.

Time, would be another factor as I have been very preoccupied with searching for a job, and there was also a wedding I was in which I had happily dedicated a few weekends to for showers and parties.

Following that, as I am still job hunting, and well... Unfortunately those gatherings I host do cost a bit. I mean, I'm good at planning on a budget, but I just have to be extra cautious with my cash at the moment.

And lastly and the biggest reason?  It has been a VERY wet year.  Not the best year for living along water.  The yard is still a little mushy since it flooded last spring and never dried up it seems. And even if we could dry out the fire pit area enough, you would be drained of blood before you could toast the first marshmallow. I have never seen mosquitoes swarm quite so bad.

So it is just not meant to be, and that's okay. Hopefully, come fall, the fates will be a little more accommodating.

All this said, I do miss you all, and look forward to being able to hang out again for some backyard shenanigans soon.